Comedy Rules
by Yunno
Summary: Two unlikely rivals get into an April Fool’s Day contest. Rated T for gratuitous cartoon villainy.
1. Chapter 1: Comedy Duo

Tiny Toon Adventures:

"Comedy Rules"

Rated T for gratuitous cartoon villainy.

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Two unlikely rivals get into an April Fool's Day contest.

Genre: Comedy.

Disclaimer: "Tiny Toon Adventures," Tiny Toon Adventures characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.

**Comedy Duo**

Calamity adjusted the final calculations on his new Beep Stopper 1000. The small grey coyote stepped back, running a critical eye over the roadrunner netting machine. After consulting his blueprints one last time he adjusted the skateboard ramp under the skateboard itself that would roll down the ramp, launch into the air and knock out the red wagon's cotter pin on the lever holding the hockey net aloft. Then the young genius carefully cocked a mousetrap to use as a trigger and placed a spring loaded dish on a neat 'X' painted on the sidewalk. He poured premium bird seed into it.

If he knew Little Beeper, and by now Calamity certainly should, the fleet footed-fowl will have rushed off without breakfast. The coyote providing breakfast for the red and orange roadrunner on the way to school had lately become something of a 'habit' for the comedy duo. Unfortunately, to Calamity's way of thinking at any rate, the bird had yet to make . . . or perhaps more accurately stated, _become_ . . . a meal for the coyote.

Calamity sighed. So much work when his custom made roadrunner net launcher would have been perfect in this situation, but he'd been forced to leave it at his cave. Ever since the censors had banned guns from the Looniversity, he'd had to resort to some of his less sophisticated inventions. Not that his net launcher was really a _gun_, it just resembled one. The small, grey coyote snarled quietly to himself. The next thing you know, they'd be banning dynamite!

Hearing the soft whir of spinning, sneakered feet, Calamity ducked into the alley. The young genius rubbed his forepaws together, as much as in anticipation of watching his latest creation in action as in the prospect of finally catching Little Beeper!

SPROING!

True to form, with the sound of a plucked rubber band, Little Beeper came to a vibrating stop just short of the pile of birdseed. It looked delicious. Peck, peck, peck. Mmmm, it tasted delicious too. Calamity sure knew how to pick the right bait for a roadrunner! It seemed that the little red roadrunner was always rushing around getting everything gathered for school. Even though he was the fastest thing on two feet, he never had time to grab breakfast. Luckily, to _his_ way of thinking, since his comedy partner was the aggressor, the small coyote's traps always backfired.

Within the shadow of the alley, Calamity again quietly snickered to himself. Beeper finished his breakfast and sped off. The young genius' eyes widened in disbelief. No way should his trap have a failure to launch! The little coyote crept to the now empty seed dish atop the mouse trap. He tentatively poked at the triggering mechanism and abruptly pulled back. When it still didn't trigger, he poked it again, puzzling over why his invention didn't work. Becoming exasperated, Calamity started jumping up and down on the spring loaded plate to get the mousetrap to go off. Amazingly enough, even with the tension bar released, the trap remained loaded.

Across the street, two small, white lab mice were making their way home after another night's fiasco of failing to takeover the world. Both mice had pink hands, feet and long, slender tails, but their white fur was smudged with soot from their latest failed scheme. Though their height could be measured in inches, the two had big ambitions. At least the shorter, stockier of the two did. His comparatively tall companion tripped alongside his ambitious friend, cavorting about and thoroughly enjoying the crisp morning air.

It was generally agreed that one of the pair was a genius, and the other insane. Though there was considerable debate on which mouse filled which description. For it could be argued insanity for a mouse to try to take over the world, despite his vast intellect. At the same time it could be considered genius to just lark about having a great time.

The Brain stopped short watching the comedy scenario unfold between the chase duo of Calamity and Little Beeper, causing his partner, Pinky, to run into him and tumble, laughing, to the ground. The stocky mouse shook his over-sized head as the coyote pup's ingenious contraption went into critical failure. If Wile E. Coyote's protégé ever got the bugs worked out of his inventions, the kid could be a great technical resource for the would-be tyrant. "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Brain." The lanky mouse stopped his frolicking, a look of intense contemplation crossing his features. "But where would we get enough silly string to hang all the pots from the cafeteria ceiling?"

Brain's face fell and his large ears drooped. He didn't even want to know what was going on in his partner's head. He grabbed Pinky's long snout and stalked off for the lab dragging the taller mouse with him. "Come, Pinky, we must prepare for tonight."

"Why Brain? What are we doing tonight?" Pinky's Manchester dialect sounded a bit muffled as Brain still gripped his muzzle.

"The same thing we do every night, Pinky." The Brain turned and paused dramatically. "Try and take over the world!

Still puzzling over his jambed invention, Calamity traced the workings of his Beep Stopper 1000 from its spring loaded pressure plate trigger clear back to its skateboard ramp. By way of thanks for breakfast, Little Beeper zipped up behind Calamity and beeped at him. Startled, the small coyote jumped, smacking his head into the contraption's crossbeam. The fulcrum tipped and the beam began to slowly overbalance. Little Beeper stuck his tongue out a couple of times at his chase partner, hopped into the air, revved up his feet, and dashed off to school.

Calamity snarled silently and, with balled fists, huffed a few times to get his steam up. An ominous creaking sounded. Calamity looked up with 'Impending Doom' written in his eyes where his pupils would be normally. His ears drooped. Reflectively the young coyote held an absurdly dinky, green umbrella over his head, even though he knew it could not possibly shield him from the fallout of his own self-destructing creation.

Jostled by the impact of the small grey coyote's head, the skateboard zoomed own the ramp, flipped into the air and crashed into the red wagon. The cotter pin went flying. The lever and hockey net swung down, swiping across the mousetrap trigger and entangling it in the net. The lever continued its arc, coming full circle. It swung up and over the cowering coyote whereupon it abruptly lost all momentum and became subject to the law of gravity.

SMASH! SNAP!!

Plucky crashed into Buster Bunny when the blue lagomorph stopped short at a disturbance coming from the alley across the street. The braggart duck repeated almost exactly Pinky's tumble of earlier. The green duck sat dizzily on the sidewalk watching the small blue bunnies hopping around his head. Shaking his head vigorously to banish the bunny phantoms, Plucky Duck sprang to his feet. "Hey! Watch it!"

Shirley the Loon, floating in the air in her psychic lotus position and Fifi La Fume, the lavender 'femme fatale' skunk exchanged giggles. The small green mallard had been flirting with Shirley and hadn't seen Buster stop in time for him to avoid a collision. The blond haired loon covered her bill with a white feathered wing and giggled. Plucky felt the heat of embarrassment flush his face. Running into his best buddy wasn't very suave.

"What's up, Buster?" Babs Bunny (no relation) took the opportunity to straighten the two pert violet bows tied to the tips of her long, pink ears.

"Be back in just a minute, gang. I just want to check something out." Thinking that it might be Furrball in the alley trying to evade Amby and Lloyd, the Alley Cat duo that always picked on him, the Acme Looniversity class president crossed the street and stepped into the alley.

Always willing to help, the blue bunny was nonetheless surprised to find, not Furrball, but Calamity Coyote tangled in the remains of another failed trap. Buster briefly considered just turning around and leaving. The young genius often played the villain . . . Calamity had even hunted him before. Still, with his long, coyote ears smashed down by the net and a hint of tears in his hangdog eyes from a mousetrap clamped to his tail, the young coyote did look pretty pathetic there. The blue bunny sighed and offered his hand to help with Calamity's calamity.

Calamity stared at Buster Bunny's white gloved hand for a moment, a hint of suspicion clouding the grey coyote's eyes. It was . . . odd . . . that instead of mocking him, one of the 'stars' of Tiny Toons was actually willing to lend a hand. A strange feeling came over the young, school villain.

"Well, you want a hand up or not?" Holding quite still, and a little alarmed at his own temerity, the blue bunny held his white gloved hand steady to the small predator.

Still suspecting a trick of some sort, Calamity hesitantly took the rabbit's hand. When he was NOT shocked by a joy buzzer or other comedic gag, the small grey coyote allowed Buster to pull him to his pink sneakered feet and help him disentangle from the hockey net. Calamity tugged off the mousetrap from his tail and brushed himself down.

"Well, gotta get to class. See you at school, Cal." Smiling broadly, Buster waved goodbye and joined his friends waiting for him across the street.

Calamity stopped patting off the dust and stared after Buster in silence. The young genius watched as the popular blue bunny shrugged off his friends' questions. Being a villain did have its drawbacks. The small grey coyote rushed after Buster to catch up.

Seeing the vicious predator dash against her boyfriend, Babs did a spin-change into the tailored, navy blue and white uniform of a school crosswalk monitor. The pink bunny whipped out a big red sign.

[STOP]

Babs blew a shrill blast on a silver whistle that dangled from a lanyard around her neck. TWEET!!! "Hold it right there, buster!"

Buster did a quick double-take to see why Babs was yelling at him. But then he realized that the pink bunny wasn't calling his name, just a general moniker. True to the ingrained involuntary reflex common to many toons, Calamity jerked to a stop, even though he wasn't all the way across the street.

"Don't you know that this is a 'NO Coyote' Crossing-Zone?" Babs voice held a commanding tone.

"Yea, loser, who're you working for?" Plucky folded his feathered arms across his chest. More times than not, Calamity was hired out to one or another of the Looniversity's villains. "Monty again? or is it Elmyra this time?"

"Like, for sure," Shirley piped in. Then the psychic loon frowned. She wasn't getting any 'bad vibes' from the little coyote. The pretty white fowl vigorously shook her head. Her aura must be out of alignment.

Calamity hunched down against the verbal assault. He just wanted to thank Buster for helping him. But of course that was too much to expect from the so-called '_heroes_' of the Tiny Toons!! The strange, new feeling evaporated . . . replaced by a very cold, familiar one. He wasn't working for anyone! . . . this time anyway.

One of Calamity's first, and subsequently ONLY, attempts at honest money making was as a pool lifeguard . . . but due to Elmyra's interference it turned out being a nightmare. Even after he managed to save his boss from drowning, Arnold the pit bull had fired him out of jealousy for being popular with the ladies. No one realized how expensive parts for his inventions were. Sure he had an unlimited Acme charge account, but their rates were absurdly high and he avoided using their credit card whenever possible. Plus, their stuff was junk. He'd suffered more from exploding inventions due to substandard equipment than even he, genius that he was, could count. And it wasn't like you could order a burger and fries from Acme anyway.

As Babs tucked her [STOP] sign away, a huge truck appeared out of nowhere and ran down the hapless coyote in the street. Dizzily trying to swipe away the dancing stars and lorries circling his head, Calamity staggered around in circles a few times before managing to make it to the sidewalk.

Fits of laughter beset the gang of toonsters at the little coyote's expense. One thing you could say for Wile E.'s protégé, Calamity could sure take a pratfall hit. The whole gang remembered numerous times that the young genius operated against them. Plucky rolled on the ground laughing in hysterics. The opportunistic green mallard was pleased that Buster was safe from Calamity; he just wished he could have collected a few side bets beforehand. "Hoo boy! That was even funnier than the time, Montana Max, Dizzy Devil, and Calamity got Buster and Babs cornered in the wrestling ring. Remember that, Buster?"

Having discovered that Calamity wasn't on his tail feathers, Little Beeper zipped back to see what was keeping his comedy partner. "Beep, Beep!"

Startled yet again by the small red quickster, the grey coyote sprang into the air only to land hard on his tail a few moments later. He sprang to his feet again. Actually glad that Little Beeper spared him further confrontation with the stars of Tiny Toons, Calamity nonetheless clenched his fists at his sides, growling briefly before tearing off after the annoying little roadrunner.

The small coyote ran off before Buster could intercede for him. The blue and white bunny lost track of what Plucky was saying. Buster shook his head, watching the comedic chase duo disappear around a corner. A concerned look crossed the normally carefree features of Buster's face. Poor Cal, he was stuck in a stereotype. The young genius couldn't change if he wanted to.

Fifi dreamily gazed after the chase duo of Calamity and Little Beeper, reminded of her own comedic signature chasse de l'amour. The purple skunk's love chases gave her an idea. Sneaking a sideways glance at Babs as the bunny re-spun into her normal attire of a yellow sweater and violet skirt, Fifi conspired with the loon.

"Yeah, I was concerned!" Completely unaware that he'd lost his audience, Plucky vehemently defended himself. "If you'd have lost that match, I'd have lost all those bets I took on you two."

"Gee, Plucky." Buster deadpanned. The Looniversity class president searched his mind, trying to figure out what the duck was going on about. Then the blue bunny shrugged and decided that it didn't matter. "You're all heart."

"I know." Plucky ran a hand through the unruly green feathers on the top of his head, striking what he obviously thought was a dashing pose.

"Like in your dreams, Plucky." Shirley raised her bill into the air and turned away from her would-be boyfriend.

Deciding that enough was enough, the loon reached off screen, tugging the city scape into a scene change.

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"Okay, Babs, like there he is. Go for it!" No longer sitting cross-legged in the air, Shirley elbowed her pink bunny friend.

"I don't know, guys." Babs responded to her friend's prompting. Normally the Looniversity Comedy Queen wouldn't hesitate to accept a comedic dare from anyone, but after all Calamity Coyote was the nerdy brainiac of the school. "I don't think this is such a good idea."

"But why not?" Momentarily taken over by Byronic romanticism, Fifi had hearts throb in her eyes. "Vous really should, how they say, kees and make up."

Feeling Babs' hesitant aura, Shirley glanced slyly at her purple skunk friend. The psychic loon hated to see Babs constrained but she knew just the thing to get her going. "Like Babs is totally right, Fifi. Don't forget Professor Fudd's quiz later this morning. She needs to conserve her hilarity for it. Babs like totally used major comedic karma this morning on the way to school. She just doesn't want to run out of humor, or some junk."

"WHAT?! As if I even need any comedic reserve to pass one of the Fudd-meister's quizzes!" Babs could not believe her long pink ears. "Conserve! I don't need to conserve my comedy. I've got oodles of comedy! I've got comedy to spare!! I've got comedy coming out of my ears!!!"

Brushing the colorful streamers and clown flowers that bloomed from her ears in consequence of her last comment, Babs performed another spin-change. In a repeat of one of her very first on screen spin-changes, Babs was instantly dressed in a sheer lavendar evening gown with a slit up to her hip, matching gloves, and her ears draped back seductively. In her 'Jessica Rabbit' persona, Babs slunk over to the school genius.

"Hey there, short, light, and fuzzy." Her voice sultry and low, Babs ran her fingers through Calamity's long, coyote ears.

Not knowing what was going on, the small coyote tentatively smiled. His tail wagged a bit and he even started to melt. As the genius was about to loose all cohesion, Babs popped back into her usual skirt and sweater and blew a raspberry at him. The 'Fantastic Three' of Babs, Fifi, and Shirley dashed off giggling.

"Inside joke!" The three most popular girls in school chimed together as they took off. The words 'nerd' and 'geek' drifted back as they disappeared down the hall.

Angry, with paws raised to pounce and growling, Calamity paced forward tempted to give chase. But it wasn't just the comedy queen and her cohorts' catcalls resounding through the Looniversity halls. The whole school was laughing at him and repeating the call of 'Geek' and 'Nerd.' It didn't help that the small coyote was officially considered one of the school's villains. The designation seemed to open him up to the derision of the 'hero' toons as well. Even Monty, the spoiled, brown haired, rich kid with typical 'villain loyalty' was laughing his head off at him.

[Humph! I prefer 'Gearhead.']

Calamity tossed his sign to the floor then stalked off and into the student lab that he often used. The door slammed behind him with a little sign swinging on the doorknobs.

[Do Not Disturb!]

Once alone, the young genius collapsed back against the door, dejected. His ears and tail drooped. Some genius he was! He'd fallen victim to another of the bunny's pranks. Reacting to a joke was funny, being moody and hurt by it was not.

Montana Max pulled himself up off the floor where he'd fallen in a fit of hysterics. The gap-toothed, brown haired boy straightened his preppy suit. His mirth slowly faded into his habitual sneer. Monty's gaze fixed on Calamity's lab door, the [Do Not Disturb] sign still swinging.

"Eh? What's wrong, boy?" Yosemite Sam, with his thumbs tucked in the bands of his suspenders, swaggered up to his villain-in-training. With his bushy red eyebrows and mustaches that reached nearly down to his cowboy boots and humongous 10 gallon cowboy hat, Sam looked more like a bandit than the Vice Principal of the Looniversity. "Them darned rabbits giving ya grief?"

"Nyah. I got them pretty much dead to rights." Monty cocked a thumb over to the lab door. "That is I would have except that lousy, no good coyote is slacking off with the villainy."

Surprised, Yosemite glanced at the lab door. It was adorned with various and sundry warning signs, [Danger Zone] and [Superkid genius at work] being among them. Not much taller than his student, the rootin'-est tooten'-est cowboy this side of the Klondike was one of the toughest toons around. But even he wasn't so foolish as to barge in on any coyote genius' lab. He'd seen too many of Wile E.'s catastrophes. Sam ushered Monty into his office for a private chat.

"Eeeh, Calamity's going soft on me, Yosemite! His work is substandard, he's missed my last three planning meetings, and he's refusing to make me anything else until I pay him for the last project! Imagine!" Pouting petulantly, Monty flopped down in the chair by his mentor's large wooden desk.

"Huh, minion problems, hey Monty?" Sam ran a hand down his red whiskers. He'd never had much use for minions himself. In the old days it was just him and his mule matching wits against Bugs Bunny. Course his mule did give him plenty of grief. That darned sass-a-frassin' rabbit! Suddenly Yosemite grinned. "Hmm, sounds ta me like ya just gotta remind Calamity who his friends really are, an' just maybe kill two birds with one stone. Or should I say two RABBITS!"

The scene irised out as both villains broke out into evil chuckles.

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A/N Guest appearance from Pinky and the Brain of "Animaniacs," trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.


	2. Chapter 2: Predator

Tiny Toon Adventures:

"Comedy Rules"

Rated T for gratuitous cartoon villainy.

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Disclaimer: "Tiny Toon Adventures," Tiny Toon Adventures characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.

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**Predator**

"Uh, Babs," Buster finally caught up with his best friend and co-star. "You had a bowl of sugar this morning for breakfast didn't you?"

"Duh! Yeah, why?" Babs bounced lightly about the hall.

"Don't you think that," Buster jerked a thumb back over his shoulder towards Calamity's lab, "was a little . . . uh, harsh?"

"Oh, pul-eeze. Don't tell me that you're jealous!?" Babs tugged lightly on one long, blue ear.

"What? Of course n . . .." Buster paused. An idea struck the blue and white bunny on how to possibly divert a conflict between his friends and classmates. "That is, yeah. Yeah, maybe I am."

Shirley piped in. "Of Calamity? Oh, like get crucial or some junk."

Babs patted Buster's furry white cheek. "Oh, Buster, you're so cute when you're jealous."

"Of course, we all know that ducks have the most dashing good looks." Plucky smoothed down his white tank top and brushed back his green head feathers. "If you're going to get jealous of someone, get jealous of me."

"Weell," Fifi started. She glanced between Hamton standing shyly beside her and Furrball who was getting books out of his locker. The ragged, blue alley cat caught his already bandaged tail in his locker door and screeched. Fifi's eyes drew back the way they had come. Calamity was cute, in a quiet, nerdy sort of way. No, not _nerdy_, that was part of the problem. Intellectual. There! that was what Calamity was. The purple skunk-ette knew how sensitive matters of the heart could be. "Maybe wee should not have challaanged vous to kees Calamity. Vous might have hurt hees feelings, non?"

"Nyah, it was just a joke. You know how _his_ kind are." Shaking off the incident, Babs briefly spun into a Dizzy Devil costume, stumping around and incoherently garbling like the small, purple Tasmainian devil before spinning back. "Calamity took it like a predator."

"That's what I'm afraid of." Buster muttered as he followed his friends to class.

Scene Ripples with a Time Advancement.

At the end of the school day, the library door opened a few inches to allow Bookworm out into the hall. The small inchworm worked his way up the side of a locker. Before the library door completely closed, two white lab mice dashed in. The Loo's library had the best science section around, due no doubt to the coyote inventors that worked and studied there. Though their home was in the Acme Labs, Pinky and the Brain often came to the Looniversity library for research. Well, the Brain did anyway. Pinky came just to look at the picture books.

The tiny green worm squinched his round glasses further up on his nose and continued to inch his way across the tops of the lockers lining the Looniversity hall. Bookworm found that traveling the 'high road' was much saver for one of his minuscule stature. At least up here he wouldn't get stepped on. But even up here wasn't totally safe.

"Hah! Your mine now! After school SNACK TIME." The loud, obnoxious voice came from a surprisingly small pink, girl canary. Sweetie Pie darted down her beak to snatch up Bookworm, but fouled with the school clock on the wall when its face suddenly popped open.

Springing out of the clock like the cuckoo bird in a cuckoo clock, Gogo Dodo sprang out to announce an important upcoming school event. The green and blue dodo bird with a pink umbrella cockscomb also attended the Looniversity, commuting in from Wackyland; though he was rarely ever seen actually attending any classes. "If you're planning on skipping school tomorrow and missing the April Fool's Day contest, you're COO COO, COO COO!!"

With Sweetie Pie out of the way, Bookworm squelched under a thick cord cutting across the locker tops, careful to avoid the nearby pulley. It was just another average day at the Acme Looniversity.

Calamity pulled tight on the kite string ripcord and added a spritz of oil to the main pulley. Having already put the morning's disaster behind him, the young genius worked on his next trap. It was a simple one rigged in front of the little roadrunner's locker. Well, simple for him anyway. For it to have a high enough comedic quotient to be really humorous, it had to have a certain Goldberg-ian complexity to it. In fact, the main component of it was a simple jump rope that he'd gotten from the gym and had elongated in his lab. The jump rope lay in a loop on the floor, the tail of which going up to the ceiling, through a series of pulleys and tied with a bow onto a 16 ton weight that was precariously perched atop the row of lockers lining the hall.

To avoid the same triggering failure of the morning, the small coyote used a manual trigger for this trap. The kite string was attached to his own open locker door. The grey canid snickered as he reviewed his blueprints one more time. All he had to do was wait until Little Beeper stopped at his locker to get his books, then close his own locker door to trip the trigger. The weight would fall, pulling the jump rope attached to it through the pulleys causing the loop on the floor to tighten around the pesky roadrunner's legs and hoist him upside down off the floor, rendering Beeper his helpless prey. The young genius rubbed his forepaws eagerly together. Calamity double checked the angles, he certainly didn't want the weight to crash down on top of _him_ when he triggered the trap, and snickered again.

A loud "Beep, beep!" sounded behind him; never failing to startle, the small coyote rocketed head first into the ceiling. Spiderweb cracks ran out from the impact site. A three count later, Calamity crashed down again amid a small shower of plaster to land flat on the floor. He bounded to his feet, his muzzle pulled back into a snarl, ready to give chase to his nemesis.

But it wasn't Little Beeper.

"I just can't help myself!" Dressed as a clown, complete with large floppy shoes and red plastic nose, Babs stood before the little coyote with a bulb-style bicycle horn. She beeped it again. The pink bunny doubled over with laughter and could barely spin-change back into her school clothes.

Calamity's jaw dropped. He just stared in disbelief at Acme Loo's most popular girl . . . along with at least half of the students crowding the hallway. The other half of the student body tittered nervously. The janitor, Pete Puma, paused in sweeping down the hall with his oversize broom and tilted up the bill of his cap for a better look. Shock froze Little Beeper at his locker. Even Furrball who had the misfortune of falling into Elmyra's life-crushing hug stopped his struggles. As for the school yutz, the girl with the blue and white pleated dress with a small skull in her hair bow stood dumbfounded, her mouth dropping slack jawed into an "O" of surprise. Sensing a story, Merry Melody, the cute, dark complected journalist for the school news, whipped out a small notepad and pencil.

To involve oneself in another's act to aid in the hilarity or to even up an overwhelmed, innocent foil . . . though the little red roadrunner could truly be considered _neither_ overwhelmed _nor_ completely innocent . . . was one thing. But to interfere in someone else's comedy sketch just to steal the spotlight was . . . was just . . . Bad Comedy!

The small grey coyote picked up his jaw from the floor and tightened it into a scowl as the pink bunny pushed her way through the crowd for her and her cronies to continue down the hall. "Stand aside, Comedy Queen, coming through!"

Shoved aside, Little Beeper stumbled back from his locker. And despite his recent efforts to break from the villainous habit, Calamity's eyes hardened. Enough was ENOUGH! The coyote's territorial instinct flared up. No one pushed his prey around . . . except him! If the pink powderpuff wanted a war, he'd give Babs a war. Various and sundry toons back away . . . even Little Beeper. Monty's whispered cajoling as well as all of the lessons that Yosemite Sam pounded into him during his Villainous Classes came back to Calamity. He slammed shut his locker door, which now had a sign on it quoting Bugs Bunny.

[Of course, you realize]

[THIS MEANS WAR!]

Scurrying back out of the library, Pinky and the Brain paused to watch the young coyote's invention. It was a piece of art in motion.

The trigger tripped. Down went the weight. Snap went the jump rope. And up went Babs dangling by her large, pink furry feet. The doe bunny's bicycle horn dropped to the floor with a weak squeak as it bounced on its bulb to land near the coyote's pink sports shoes.

Calamity shook his head and snorted as the pink bunny shrieked in surprise. He held up a sign.

[Figures.]

Little Beeper came up behind his predator also shaking his head. The one trap that didn't backfire on Calamity and it ONLY caught a RABBIT. For once, his canid partner wasn't the aggressor. The little red and orange roadrunner studied the trap, deciding how he would have defeated it just in case Calamity tried using it again some time.

"Get me down from here!" Babs demanded.

[As You Wish.]

Calamity's sign was written upside down for the pink bunny's convenience. Shirley tilted her head so that she could read the sign. The loon was impressed. This was actually pretty high grade signing . . . like someone trying to freehand write upside down and backwards on a paper.

The grey coyote calmly pinched the loose end of the jump rope between forefinger and thumb and tugged, undoing the bow that secured it in place. He held the cord there for the space of a beat, then deliberately released it. The jump rope, free from its mooring, zinged through the pulleys and Babs crashed head first to the floor.

Stiff as a board, the pink bunny tipped over, then sat up, rubbing her aching head and watching multiple images of her concerned friends swirl around her. When they finally resolved into Fifi, Hampton, Shirley, Plucky, and Buster, she grabbed the blue bunny's hand and hauled herself up with it.

"Ow!" Buster compared his arms together. The one that Babs yanked on was considerably longer than the other. Plucky pumped on one of his buddy's blue ears to ratchet the arm back to its proper length.

Moving silently, Little Beeper shifted behind the bedraggled pink star of Tiny Toons. But before he could beep at her for ruining his chase scene, Calamity pinched the little roadrunner's beak shut with one hand while at the same time holding up the bicycle horn in his other. "Beep! Beep!"

With another shriek, Babs hit the ceiling where she repeated almost exactly Calamity's performance of earlier when she had startled him with the same bike horn.

"Why you little . . . little . . . grrrr!" but Babs couldn't think of anything bad enough to call the canine villain. "I'll teach you to add Insult to Injury!"

"Eh, actually, Babs, that was more like Injury to Insult instead of the other way around." Buster remarked, trying to add a note of levity to the situation.

"Well, Injury to Injury to Insult actually," Plucky quipped. The little green duck's smug expression morphed into a shout of pain as Shirley zapped his tail feathers with her psychic ability for adding fuel to Babs' already fiery temper.

"Or, more accurately, Injury to Injury to Injury to Insult. If you count being trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey as the insult, while impacting the ceiling once and the floor twice as the injuries." Hampton offered helpfully. Then the small, pink pig's eyes glazed over as the delectable thought of food sidetracked him.

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" Babs shouted. Her friends' comments weren't helping. Babs' pink fur was frazzled and red, her fists were balled straight down by her sides and steam was pouring from her ears. She had a horrific grimace on her face.

Fifi gasped. The violet skunk-ette brought both hand paws to her mouth, horrified.

"Uh, Babsy? Maybe we should just get to class . . .." Buster tried to calm the explosive situation. Literally. Especially as Calamity was now pulling out sticks of lighted dynamite from his body pocket. Looking between the two, it was actually hard to tell which was the predator, the coyote or the pink bunny.

"No dynamite in the halls! No Dynamite in the Halls!" Pete Puma dropped his janitor broom and raced for the principal's office, leaving a trail of dust behind him. Buster took a fleeting glance after the puma and tugged on Babs' arm.

"Oh no, I'm not leaving until I give that little hairball a piece of my mind!" Babs stomped past Furrball and several other furred students who were all looking around to see if she meant them.

[Give me a piece of your mind?]

[ Are you sure that is wise? ]

A sly smirk touched the grey coyote's muzzle and his eyes narrowed in cunning. Calamity spun his sign around to show the back, which also had words on it.

[You seem to have little enough of it as it is.]

"Ooooooh!" The collected students murmured while the nonspeaking toons that comprised the silent minority gasped. Calamity had been working on his 'speaking' skills. He spun the sign around a third time; the words had changed yet again.

[I do so hate going into a battle of wits]

[ against an unarmed opponent. ]

The pink bunny sputtered, but no coherent words came out. Instead of a snappy comeback, Babs was well on her way to blowing her top. A small volcano formed on top of her head between her long pink ears.

"All right, enough already!" Bugs Bunny deftly snatched the young coyote's sticks of dynamite and pinched off the lighted fuses. Startled, Calamity dropped his sign which disintegrated as it hit the floor. It vanished along with his thought.

The Looniversity principle was deeply shocked to see that his two troublemakers were none other than Babs Bunny and Calamity Coyote. He expected as much from Barbara Ann Bunny, as principle he had to deal with the pink doe bunny's rampant humor on a semi-regular basis. But Calamity? The young genius rarely caused Bugs any trouble outside the somewhat habitual lab explosions and malfunctioning traps. The tall grey rabbit would have never figured those two as adversaries. He'd have to consult with the Dean of Hard Knocks, Wile E. Coyote, about his protégé. "Save it for da April's Fool Day competition tomorrow, kids."

During all this, Montana Max sidled up close for a 'ringside' view. The spoiled, rich brat stood with his fists jammed in his expensive suit coat pockets rocking from heels to toes. Monty muttered, apparently to himself, though Plucky Duck clearly heard him. "Now that's a fight even I'd pay to see."

"That's right, folks! Step right up and place your bets!" In addition to his usual white T-shirt, Plucky also donned a booking agent's cap and carried a money tray with betting ledger. "Don't miss out on the comedic battle of the decade!"

"Uh, Plucky?" Hampton J. Pig was practically run down as much of the student body rushed over to place their bets with his entrepreneurial friend. "Are you sure this is such a good idea?"

"Are you kidding?" Plucky paused a moment in taking bets to fling a comradely arm around the pig. "The defending Queen of Comedy against the Silent Challenger! Just think of it!! Hammy, I tell ya, we'll make a killing off this."

"K-k-killing?" Hampton stuttered, even more unsure about the upcoming competition than before. He WAS thinking about it.

Watching the betting taking place, the Brain suddenly smiled. The stout lab mouse grabbed his lanky partner and headed for the door.

"Come, Pinky. We must raise some capital." The Brain rubbed his small pink forepaws together in anticipation. If he could utilize the youngster's inventions, his own vast intellect would be freed up for more important world domination plans. But he would need the money if he were to employ the grey coyote's inventiveness for his own efforts of global takeover.

"Oh, oh! are we going to the state capital or the national capitol, Brain?" Pinky leaped up and down in an idiotic dance of delight at the prospect of going sightseeing with his pal, Brain, "I'll need to get my camera!"

"Money, Pinky, 'capital' as in money!" Brain's voice raised as he tried to cut through Pinky's excitement and reach the taller mouse's nominal intellect.

"The money capital?" Pinky asked, scratching his head in confusion. "You mean Wall Street?"

"No! . . ." then the Brain paused, a cunning look entering his small beady eyes. "But that's not an entirely bad idea! Perhaps I can set up a dummy corporation and get a bailout!"

Popping out of his clock yet again, Gogo Dodo hopped down, landing between Babs and Calamity. The small green dodo bird was dressed in an umpire's cap and vest. "We'll be following Comedy Rules for this no holds comedic battle!" (Gogo morphed into a ruler.) "No folding," (a paper thin Gogo folded up into an origami dodo bird) "spindling," (The origami dodo twisted up into a tube.) "or mutilat-tilat-tilating! . . . without proper comedic license."

A very mutilated Gogo finally popped back into some semblance of his normal state as he continued to lay down the rules for the April Fool's Day competition. "Points will be awarded for ingenuity and enhanced hilarity." (Gogo spiked out in numbers points, looking somewhat like a green and blue cactus.) "Points will be deducted for repeat gags and quips . . . unless it's a running gag or comedic give and take." (The dodo cactus smoothed back into a normal Gogo . . . well, what passed for normal for the wacky bird anyway.) "The contest ends if Calamity eats Babs, or Babs KOs Calamity by 3 o'clock tomorrow afternoon." Gogo produced a very large mallet, whacking himself over the head. He shattered into a multitude of little Gogos that subsequently danced away.

"Until tomorrow then." Accepting the official challenge, Babs smiled sweetly at the coyote and patted his scruffy cheek. Her smile then turned sinister and she whispered into Calamity's grey coyote ear. "I'm gonna blast your tail clear into next week!"

"But, . . . but Babs!" Buster grabbed his girlfriend's arm and pulled her around to face him. "What about _our_ private tradition of tomfoolery? You and I always take the April Fools Day contest by storm."

Buster found himself suddenly under a small black rain cloud shooting small lightning bolts aimed at his tail. When that comedic gag failed to reach Babs, he blew the cloud away with a large fan and continued his persuasive argument.

As Buster tried to reason with his comedically competitive friend, Monty continued whispering in Plucky's ear. The school villain had worked out the plot during his mentoring session with Yosemite Sam. Working the Stars of Tiny Toons to manipulate them into provoking his 'wayward' henchman into attacking was sheer, villainous genius. If he could provoke Calamity enough with Babs' stupid April Fools Day challenge, the foolish coyote would go after the rabbits himself. Plus, if he worked it right, he wouldn't even have to pay the sap to do it! And Plucky was the perfect foil for the job. "Ya know, duck, getting Babs to accept this kind of dare is making Buster jealous. When they kiss and make up, Shirley just might clue into the 'romantical vibes' and go for you."

"Hey, you're right!" Blinded by his lust for money from the betting and the prospect of dating the cutest loon in the Looniversity, Plucky didn't even consider that it was Montana Max making the suggestion.

Lightly blowing off Buster's concerns, Babs waved a hand airily. "Relax! I got it handled. I'll knock out Calamity first thing in the morning and then we can go on with 'business as usual.'"

"But Babsy! Cal could eat you alive!" Buster's voice cracked slightly. The blue bunny knew that toon swallowing wasn't typically fatal, but it was reportedly a very uncomfortable experience.

"Not a chance, Buster. All that little fuzz-ball has is pratfalls and malfunctioning traps. I have spin-change impersonations, jokes, gags, melodrama, and just plain humor galore! There's no way I can lose!" Babs's laugh bordered on hysteria. "I got da Moxie!"

Suddenly Babs turned all sweet again. "Now come on. The last one to Weenie Burger is buying!"

"You tell 'em, Babs! You'll win this hands down!" Plucky cheered on his pink rabbit friend. In an aside he continued, "and you'll make me rich!"

"_Plucky_," Buster said with a tone of intense disapproval.

"What?!" Plucky demanded as Buster gave him a death glare for encouraging the whole thing. "You know what they say: There's nothing like a good, clean fight!"

"Yeah, and this is shaping up to be NOTHING like a good, clean fight." A troubled Buster Bunny hopped after his friends.

Montana Max rolled on the floor laughing long after the crowd broke up and everyone left for the day. The rabbits were in for it now, and if not . . . well then, a little pain went a long way in getting henchmen in line. Either way, he won. And best of all, it wasn't costing him a dime.

Fade Out on Montana Max's gap toothed smirk.

.

A/N Guest appearance from Pinky and the Brain of "Animaniacs," trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.

Another A/N The formatting for the silent toon signs is off as this site has 'extra spaces' control issues, sorry.


	3. Chapter 3:Who's Afraid of Big Bad Wolf?

Tiny Toon Adventures:

"Comedy Rules"

Rated T for gratuitous cartoon villainy.

Disclaimer: "Tiny Toon Adventures," Tiny Toon Adventures characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.

**Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?**

Walking home from school, Calamity shook his head in self-remonstration. The small coyote tossed aside the bicycle horn that had escalated this whole mess to catastrophic proportions. He kicked the horn, but it bounced back on it's rubber bulb and smacked him in the head. Little Beeper was brash and often rude, . . . and the little coyote should have just let his comedic chase partner handle Babs like the roadrunner had wanted to. Rubbing his head, Calamity didn't even notice the tall, slightly off plumb buildings of Acme Acres as he paced through the town and out into the overly colorful woods on the other side.

On his way out of school, his mentor had yanked the young genius into his office for a silent chat. Wile E. Coyote had cautioned Calamity extensively about losing his focus, warned him against neglecting his duty to try and capture Little Beeper, and had even assigned him extra invention and entrapment assignments due by the end of the next day to ensure that his protégé didn't slack off due to the competition. But then, just as Calamity was leaving the office, Wile E. also informed him in no uncertain terms that he was in no way to allow the pink powderpuff to make a fool of him and besmirch the name of Coyote.

Confused at the mixed signals he got, Calamity wondered just what he'd gotten himself into. The grey coyote crossed the boundary into the desert mesa region which on most days was due north of Acme Acres. Like everything else in the region, it tended to relocate when no one was looking. As abruptly as flicking a switch, the tall, cool pines and birches of the woods became hot, dry sand and towering cliffs that encircled an unimaginably deep pit in the center of the area. Calamity had discovered the cave riddled sandstone bluffs shortly after hearing of Buster and the gang's escapades when Silus Wonder's Wonderful Circus of Wonderment came to town and Ringmaster Silus had kidnapped many creatures from Wackyland.

After being kicked out of both the school dormitories and various apartments in town due to inventions going awry, Calamity moved his personal lab out into the mesas. Here, if an invention went critical, he could dump it into the Hades Pit like Buster and the others did with the ringmaster's train. As a coyote, he was used to the desert heat, and at least out here the only one ever to bother him was . . .

"Beep, beep!"

. . . Little Beeper.

Surprised at the lack of response from the normally jumpy coyote, Beeper stopped his teasing and walked beside his comedy partner. Man, the grey dude must be really worried about the April Fool's Day Challenge not to raise to the bait of chasing him. Not that Calamity really had anything to worry about. He wasn't the aggressor this time. As demonstrated so clearly earlier at school, when the kid genius wasn't playing the villain, his inventions worked perfectly.

[So, wanna hang?]

Calamity shrugged at his partner's invitation. Actually grabbing a slice of pizza sounded great, even if it was the extra-hot pepper pizza that Beeper preferred. The coyote always did accuse the red and orange roadrunner of not having any 'hot' taste buds.

[ Can't. ]

[Homework.]

Beeper stopped short, his eyes popping wide open. Man, tomorrow was April Fools Day, only the biggest joke holiday for toons everywhere! No one ever had assignments due on April Fools Day. That'd be like having to turn in a term paper on Christmas! Deciding that Calamity really needed to chill, Beeper gave the coyote the facts straight.

[Look, Cal, you've never actually caught prey.]

[ So even if you do catch Babs, ]

[ you won't know what to do with her. ]

[ You might as well come . . .. ]

A look of dread epiphany struck Calamity.

[ Oh! that's right. ]

[I have to do some research.]

[ Bye. ]

Little Beeper shook his feathered head as he watched Calamity's sign spin on it's post when the coyote dropped it and dashed off. The small canid often had such 'research attacks.' It was a bit annoying, actually. The sign's energy soon dissipated and it vanished as it clattered to the ground. Well, that didn't go as he intended.

Scene Fade to Night.

As the full moon was rising behind the clouds, Calamity ventured back into the woods. He came upon a fallen log not far from a quiet pond. There, sitting on the log, brushing her long golden hair and luxurious tail, sat a white furred mink.

"Oh, hello there, Calamity. Lovely night for a moonlit stroll." Minerva Mink's voice was soft and sweet, and sent tingles of energy down the young coyote's spine. Minerva wore cutoff shorts and a formfitting angora top. Easily one of the most beautiful toons around, the she-mink was used to guys entering critical meltdown in her presence. She reached out a slender hand toward a shadowed area behind her. "Wouldn't you agree, Wilford?"

"Oh, gosh, Minerva, it sure would." Resplendent in baggy bib overalls and large thick framed glasses, Wilford B. Wolf stepped forward. The wolf was an even bigger nerd than Calamity. Though traditionally wolves and coyotes didn't get along, the slightly hunchbacked wolf was glad to see the little genius. The kid had extensively studied the wolf's 'lunar condition' and though he had as yet been unable to do anything to stabilize it, at least now he understood it better. "Uh, hey there, Cal. You out measuring the tidal effect of the moon on the pond again?"

[Not tonight.]

As succinctly as possible, Calamity explained the series of events that led up to his current predicament. The young genius fidgeted a bit, all the while trying NOT to look too directly at Minerva. The lady was definitely bad for the concentration.

[ So, could you teach me ]

[how to Snatch Swallow?]

"Nu uh, 'fraid not. You want the Big Bad Wolf for that." Wilford glanced up at the sky; the clouds were moving away from the moon. He tucked his glasses into a pocket. "I think he's prowling around Lover's Lane tonight. He's been kicked out of The Sunset Strip again."

"You know, Calamity, you really shouldn't harbor grudges." Minerva stood and leaned down to look Calamity in the eyes. The little coyote started to loose cohesion, so she didn't approach any closer. "You should make up with the little lady."

[ You mean I should just ]

[give up and let Babs win.]

"No. We mean you beat the little fuzz-bunny at her own game, . . ." The moon finally came out from behind the clouds and as it did so an astonishing change came over Wilford. He howled as his muscles bulged and his fangs lengthened. The buttons on his coveralls popped off and the bib section fell down to reveal tight abs. The baggy pants now form-fitted his muscular legs. His head and tail fur lengthened and blew dramatically in the light breeze. The howl that started off thin and wimpy ended up deep and full-voiced. Wilford the _Were_wolf snatch up his date in his buff arms, the white mink already melting in his embrace. ". . . and THEN kiss and make up."

Calamity quietly left the glade allowing the couple privacy to smooch in the moonlight.

Scene Scroll to Another Location.

Wearing a cute little red dress, black buckle shoes, and a red hooded cape over a wig of ringlets, a small coyote went skipping through the woods. Not far from the moonlit pond, was a section of woods with broad, gentle paths lit with starlight and bordered by many convenient, shadowy recesses. Calamity was just glad that it was midweek and that no one from school would be taking advantage of the unofficial 'lover's lane' of Acme Acres until the weekend. He wouldn't be here at all but there were some things where book learning just wasn't enough.

A looming shadow fell over the grey coyote. Swallowing hard, Calamity turned to look behind him. There, nonchalantly leaning against a tree trunk, stood a very suave, very debonair wolf in an elegant black suit and bow tie.

"Hello, sweet thing. How about coming over to my house?" Big Bad Wolf flicked a toothpick that he'd been chewing onto the ground and paced toward the small figure in the red hood. Nearly in a panic at the prospect of being eaten, Calamity whipped off his 'Little Red Riding Hood' costume.

"D'oh!" Big Bad slapped a hand to his forehead. He couldn't believe that he fell for that old trick! The pseudo-gentleman wolf was rather disappointed that it was a coyote pup standing before him and not some tender sweet young thing, but he wasn't terribly upset. The one other time that the Big Bad Wolf had met Calamity was when the wolf had been trying to come to an agreement with Wile E. to purchase one of the older coyote's more successful inventions. Wile had thrust his young protégé from his office when the wolf offered to help in the youth's education. "Calamity, isn't it?"

Big Bad held up his paw. Hesitating only slightly, Calamity slapped his own paw against the older wolf's and the two high-foured. It amused the Big Bad Wolf that the young genius was still leery of his reputation.

[Hey, Big Bad!!!]

"Can I presume that you wish to take me up on my earlier offer?" Big Bad knew that there was really only one reason any of the Looniversity students would go to the trouble of luring him out.

[ Well, I'm thinking about going straight. ]

[It seems good for the inventions, but . . ..]

"Straight? Su-u-ure you are. That's why you're going for premeditated eating." Big Bad smirked at the youngster before him. Calamity just smiled sheepishly.

[ If I were truly evil, . . . ]

[I'd just chomp her up first.]

"_Her_? I thought Little Beeper was your prey. Well, well, well. This IS interesting." Big Bad contemplated for a moment. There was a story here. One he was sure that the youth's silent mentor would not wholly approve of. He smiled wolfishly. Maybe he should help the little imp out with his 'extra curricular' studies. "Okay, let's get to work. It's not really much different from any other wild-take. Ya just gotta pretend that yer meal is the hottest dame around. Come on, give it a try."

Doing his best to follow the wolf's instructions, Calamity thought about the white mink he'd encountered earlier in the evening. A faint sizzling sounded and the little coyote melted into a puddle.

"O-o-o-okay. Maybe not quite _that_ hot." Big Bad picked up an edge of the coyote puddle and snapped him back into shape as if he was a throw rug. "Here, like this . . .."

.

A/N With guest appearances of Minerva Mink and Wilford Wolf from "Moon over Minerva" of "Animaniacs," and Big Bad Wolf from "Red Hot Riding Hood," trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.


	4. Chapter 4: Sticky Bun

Tiny Toon Adventures:

"Comedy Rules"

Rated T for gratuitous cartoon villainy.

.

Disclaimer: "Tiny Toon Adventures," Tiny Toon Adventures characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.

**Sticky Bun**

April Fools Day dawned, clear and sunny, to find Calamity tweaking the final calculations on his brand new Beep Warp XL1000. The small grey coyote stepped back, running a critical eye over the roadrunner slowing machine. The school genius stood in front of the Acme grocery store where he had just finished attaching a horizontal racetrack loop to the storefront awning so that it was positioned overhead a neat "X" on the sidewalk. After consulting his blueprints one last time he stood on a stepladder and adjusted the suspended racetrack loop and carefully set his specially retrofitted remote controlled toy racing car at the starting line. The trap was a bit more elaborate than was his wont, and normally he wouldn't even consider bringing it on-line until after extensive testing, but Calamity had stayed out late last night with his studies and didn't have the luxury of time. Especially considering Professor Wile E.'s warning about losing focus and letting his real studies slip. If all went well, this project would cover both his entrapment and invention homework assignments.

Buster, Babs, and Plucky were also on their way to school. Plucky was dripping wet. The little green duck had tried to get a head start on the April Fools Day shenanigans. He had already tried the Seltzer Water trick and the Good Year Blimp shtick, but both had backfired on the hapless mallard. Babs stopped abruptly, causing a pileup of toons behind her. Indignation started building behind her bright bunny-button blue eyes.

"What is with you bunnies!?" Plucky complained as he found himself tumbled to the ground for the second day in a row. First Buster, now it was Babs causing the pileup. "You guys ought to install backup lights in those cottontails of yours."

"Boy, the nerve of some people! The hairball's not even waiting until school starts to try and take me out of the competition!" Babs ducked into a nearby hardware store and emerged seconds later with a bucket of Acme Super Glue.

"Uh, Babs, what are you talking about?" Buster looked up the street aways and spied Calamity at work on his invention. The young inventor was pouring a small pile of birdseed onto the sidewalk. The blue bunny then noticed Babs' bucket of glue. "Uh oh. Wait, Babs! What do you think you're doing!"

"To beat the enemy, you need to think like the enemy!" Babs claimed as she stalked toward the coyote's contraption.

"But not BECOME the enemy! Babsy, think what you're doing!" Buster's exclamation fell on deaf, pink ears. That was birdseed baiting the trap, not carrots!

"I am. I'm winning!" A grin of eager excitement set Babs' face. Babs' smile then softened as she looked back at a worried Buster. "Hey, I got it handled! Don't worry. Just step back, relax, and Watch and Learn."

"BABSY!!"

Calamity looked up when he heard the shout. The grey coyote's eyes popped wide open at the sight of pink furry fury stalking toward him with a bucket. Just as Babs stepped under the grocery store awning with the bucket of glue cocked and ready to throw, the young genius whipped out a remote control from his body pocket and started his race car.

Miniature rocket boosters ignited and the toy race car zipped around the overhead track faster and faster, casting off sparks and distortion waves until it sped too fast to follow with the naked eye. The distortion waves traveled down to the sidewalk, causing a micro spacial time-warp anomaly that put the bunny in slow motion.

"I - 'l - l -- g - e - t -- y - o - u, -- C - a - l - a - m - i - t - y! - ! - !" Babs voices sounded very low and slow. The gooey glue slowly drifted up from the bucket and started its lazy arc over to the coyote.

Walking home again after yet another fruitless night of world conquering, Pinky and the Brain passed by the toonsters. Pinky was pulling a large, white sack perched on top of a roller skate. The ploy to obtain bailout money was a complete fiscal fiasco due to the unfortunate discovery that the dummy industry was headed by a mouse. Oddly enough, Pinky did better at money making than Brain did, having ended up lost on several bus tours where he took and sold pictures of sightseers with his camera.

Catching sight of Calamity and Babs' 'test run' of the temporal warp device, the Brain whipped out a calculator that was fully as big as he was. "Hmm, perhaps not all is lost after all. Pinky, all we need to do is place a bet with the young mallard here with your earnings. I calculate the odds to be 83 to . . .."

"Oh! Oh!! let me do it, please, Brain? Huh? Huh? Pleeease!" Pinky hopped up and down in his habitual idiotic dance of excitement. The lanky mouse really did want his friend to succeed at taking over the world. In his somewhat simplistic point of view, Pinky figured that since he didn't mind the Brain telling him what to do, no one else would either. In fact, he had great fun with his best friend, Brain. And the world could always use more fun.

Without waiting for a reply from his large-headed companion, the lanky white lab mouse pulled his skate load of money over to the towering green duck. Placing the bet took Pinky longer than the Brain figured it should, even for his intellectually challenged partner. But finally all was set and the two mice continued on their way to await the results of the day's comedic challenge.

Calamity stared in wide-eyed wonder at his invention that actually worked. The young genius was so caught up in the thrill of scientific discovery that he failed to notice when Little Beeper zipped up behind him.

It took only a split second for Beeper to assess the situation. The birdseed, the suspended horizontal racetrack loop, the bunny, and the arc of glue heading slowly, but surely toward his comedy chase partner. It took only another split second for the little red and orange roadrunner to decide what to do about it. While it might be fun to see Calamity all covered in glue, it was HIS breakfast that Babs was interrupting.

"Beep! Beep!!" Little Beeper beeped as loud as he could in Calamity's ear.

As predicted, the small coyote startled, jumped at least six feet in the air and smacked his head into the awning support over the storefront. The vibrations from the impact traveled up the support and rattled the racetrack, throwing the little toy car off the track and smashing it to pieces against the grocery store wall. The distortion warp vanished and time sped up again for Babs. The impact vibrations loosened the supports and the whole awning came crashing down on the bunny and stuck tight to her fur by the glue that she had tried to throw. Babs' head ripped up through the center of the awning, her ears and bows mussed and dripping glue.

A sign from the grocery storefront fluttered down to glue to the tip of one of Babs' long pink ears. [Special Today: Sticky Bun.] The 'Sticky Bun'-ny was not amused.

[Hey this is OUR chase!]

Beeper snorted rudely. The small avian stood in front of the gummy bunny with one wing on his hip and the other holding his sign. The butt-in-ski bunny should just butt-out! That was two chase scenes that the popular doe bunny had ruined. The roadrunner cocked his head at an angle studying the trap that Babs struggled in. It was actually one of Calamity's more straightforward creations. It was simply incredible that the bunny didn't avoid it.

[Rookie.]

Little Beeper stuck his tongue out at the pink bunny ala Professor Road and blew a 'raspberry' at her. With a hop, the little red roadrunner suspended in the air for the moment it took to flutter his red sneakered feet and take off. Hot on the avian's tail, Calamity bolted after Little Beeper, leaving Babs stuck in the remains of his class project.

"Hey come on, Plucky!"

Plucky hastily shoved the bag of money he'd just collected from the mouse into a pocket and ran to catch up with Buster. It was unusual for non-Acme Loo students to place bets, . . . but the small green duck gladly took the rodent's money!

Buster and Plucky approached the 'stuck up' bunny. They had 'watched and learned' all right.

"All right, you can stop watching now." Babs tugged at the store awning draping her like a circus tent, but the Acme Super Glue stuck tight. Frustrated and totally grossed out at the sticky mess her fur was in, Babs shouted, "Get me out of this!"

"Sheesh, Babs, you need to quit fooling around before you jeopardize your comedic title . . . not to mention my winnings!" Plucky scolded as he tugged the 'sticky bun' sign from the doe bunny's ear. The green duck was careful not to get any of the glue on his own feathers, which pretty much limited his usefulness in freeing Babs.

Buster grabbed a double fistful of canvas, and bracing both feet against the curb, pulled back with his whole weight. The blue bunny was puzzled. Everything of Calamity's was working against Babs . . . perfectly. Maybe he should go talk to his mentor, Bugs, about it. And maybe his mentor could advise him on how to get Babs to call off the competition. Once they finally got her unstuck, that is.

Fade into the Looniversity.

On the day of April one, the tomfoolery ran rampant throughout the Looniversity with pies and anvils, pratfalls and pranks, but it soon became obvious which two contestants the race would come down to. Most of the teachers gave up on even pretending to hold class and hid out in the faculty lounge.

Principal Bugs, Vice Principal Yosemite, and Dean Wile E., however, were not in the teacher's lounge. They were in the basement control room of the Looniversity, following their students' antics on the Wile E. Coyote Remote Monitoring System. Back in the early days of his and Roadrunner's chases, Wile had developed the series of video cameras to monitor his attempts and thus learn to eliminate the mistakes that he made. Since coming to the Looniversity to teach, the two Looney chase partners had refined the system. It made their evaluations of their own protégés Calamity and Little Beeper much easier. Numerous side screens showed much of the school in chaos with students performing a variety of pranks and pratfalls on whoever was closest to hand. Balanced water buckets over doors, pies, joy buzzers, and whoopee cushions galore abounded. One side monitor even showed Mary Melody as news anchor for the Looniversity Eye Witless News running a commentary on the hi-jinks of the day. The main screen which took up a good quarter of the wall, however, was focused on Babs Bunny and Calamity Coyote.

A knock sounded, then the door creaked open. Buster stuck his head in, not certain if he should intrude or not. The scene unfolding on the main monitor caught his eye, and almost subconsciously, the blue bunny stepped up to his mentor's side to watch.

The screen showed Babs approaching Montana Max and Elmyra Duff, two of only a handful of the Looniversity's human-esque toon students.

- - - "Sooo, Elmyra, darling!" Babs sidled up to the redhead girl with the skull bow in her hair. After her last failed attempt at coyote bashing which was a simple case of lying in wait behind the student lab door with a mallet, the pink bunny decided that it took a villain to catch a villain. And what better fate for the nerdy canid than to be captured and loved to bits by the school yutz? "How'd you like to get a cute little puppy-head?"

"Ooooh!" the redhead exclaimed, tightening her hold around her 'boyfriend' in her ecstasy. "Cutsy wootsy pink bunny wunny wants ta be a villain, honey."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just go do it. Someone needs to put that geeky genius in his place before he makes fools of us all." Monty pushed Elmyra away from her death grip on him, slapping at her without actually touching her. "And leave me alone."

Babs was taken aback by Elmyra's bit of sing-song nonsense. She wasn't being a villain! Babs brushed it off. Elmyra was a ditz anyway. What did she know?

Elmyra grabbed Babs by her long pink ears and began skipping down the hallway and whacking the pink bunny against the floor, doorways, and lockers on the way to go get the cute little puppy-head.

Monty smirked after the girls retreating down the hallway. This was going better than he planned! - - -

"Uh, excuse me, but maybe I should go . . .." Without taking his startled eyes from the main monitor, Buster backed toward the control room doors. He had to get to Babs and stop her before she made a BIG mistake!

"Eh, hold up there, Buster." Bugs Bunny put a white gloved hand on his pupil's shoulder, stopping the small blue bunny from leaving. As hard as it was to let Babs experiment in new comedy conventions, the tall grey rabbit knew that if Buster tried to intervene, he would only end up as a casualty in the two's battle. "Ya know, you can help or you can hinder, but you can't make Babs' or Calamity's decisions for them . . . and ya won't even be able to help pick up the pieces if you're too caught up in the middle of it all."

"Um, Bugs?" Buster looked up at his hero and mentor. "How come all of Calamity's inventions are working against Babs. I thought that cartoon physics always worked against the villain."

"It does," Bugs intoned. Instead of expounding on the subject, the Looney Tune bunny turned his eyes back to the monitor screens.

"Huh. Two villains and no good guys. Have we ever made a comedy like that before?" Yosemite Sam tugged on his long, red mustaches. The rootin' tootin' bandit toon scowled. Sure it was all part of his own villain-in-training's plan, but if Monty wasn't careful, he'd lose his position as top school baddie.

"I am not sure," Wile E. commented in the precise, cultured tones that he could take on whenever in Bugs Bunny's presence. It was an odd quirk of toon physics. Despite him being a silent toon most of the time, whenever he and and Bugs had co-stared in a cartoon, he was able to speak perfectly well. "I don't really recall any. Even when we have multiple villains, there is almost always an innocent foil at the least that comes out on top."

Bugs was pensive. The more he studied Babs' and Calamity's antics, the more he was convinced that what they really had was a role reversal situation. "Eeh, I don't t'ink dat's we have now either."

- - - Calamity struggled wildly in Elmyra's crushing hug. So intent was he on escaping before she could re-cage him and force feed him carrots again, that the little grey coyote almost missed seeing Babs sneaking up with a huge mallet raised over her head. Performing a desperation swap as he had with Wile E. when falling from the world's tallest building while his mentor recounted his life story, Calamity slipped out of Elmyra's arms and he held the human girl instead.

SMACK!!

Down came Babs' mallet right on the top of Elmyra's head. The girl wobbled a few moments before tipping over backwards with her legs up in the air. Calamity wasted no time, but took off running as if a mac truck was trying to run him down. - - -

Wile E. shook his head, but said nothing. As they watched the comedic interplay, Yosemite Sam and Wile E. Coyote agreed with Bugs. Babs was acting the antagonist's part while Calamity adopted the protagonist's role. Intentions made the villain or the hero more than the methods used. Much to Yosemite's chagrin Calamity was using 'villain techniques' for good, while Babs used comedic license for selfish ends. "Its down right revoltin' if ya ask me!!"

Yosemite stalked toward the door. The vice principal had nothing against new villains, even pink fuzzy ones. But enough was enough! If someone didn't curtail that good for nothing prairie wolf, Calamity would give villains everywhere a 'good' name! "I gots me some business to attend to."

Scroll up to Looniversity Halls.

Much as Calamity previously discovered when dealing with Elymya, both when he agreed to help capture Buster for the overly clingy human and when he was a lifeguard, Babs was finding the redheaded girl more of a challenge to work with than the pink bunny anticipated. After face planting down the stairs, making full body impressions in multiple lockers, and having a rather unfortunate incident involving the high pressure fire hose, Babs finally convinced the moronic menace to chase the small coyote while she laid wait in ambush.

Elmyra skipped blithely along the halls of the Looniversity. With the dumb luck that seemed to favor the girl, she soon spotted the small grey coyote. Calamity instantly fumbled the cherry bomb he was lighting and it fell into a waste paper basket. The coyote took off like a shot, dodging students and April Fools Day traps alike. The bomb went off and a very bedraggled Babs emerged from the waste basket. She shook the soot from her ears and dashed for the next ambush point. While Calamity ran like crazy, Babs kept cutting off his escape routes and trying to block him in janitor closets and corner him in classrooms. Luckily for Calamity, he chased around the school a lot in pursuit of Little Beeper. As such, he knew the place better than just about anyone, and he was hard to corner.

Calamity skidded around a corner then peeked back around it the way he had come. Seeing no immediate sign of his pursuers, he whipped out a stethoscope from his body pocket, tucking in the ear pieces and placing the diaphragm up against the nearest locker. Listening to the tumblers click, the young genius deftly turned the combination lock and soon opened the locker. At times, being a villain had definite advantages. Then the small coyote ducked into the locker, slipping his student card between the latch and the door as he closed it behind him so that he wouldn't trap himself inside.

And none too soon!

"Where are you? my fuzzy wuzzy cuddly little puppy wuppy head!" Elmyra unknowingly stopped right outside a locker where two eyes, wide with fear, blinked through the louvered vent in its door. Her deceptively innocent voice failed to draw out the coyote. "Elmyra just wants to hug you and squeeze you and love you into itty bitty bits!"

A shudder ran down Calamity's spine at the threat, causing the whole locker to shake and a cascade of papers to fall down around the trembling coyote. When Elmyra had taken him in consequence of his failure to deliver Buster to her, it was the most miserable two weeks of his life! He hadn't been able to stand a carrot since! At least he had managed to sabotage her Acme escape proof bunny cage before he escaped, though it earned him an extra two days in her care as her pet 'bunny.' Now at least, anyone who knew the trick, could get out of the cage. But he still had no desire to have Elmyra put her 'squeeze play' on him again!

"Haven't you found him yet?" Babs interrupted the human girl's search just as Elmyra was about to look in a suspicious locker for her quarry. The pink bunny sighed in exasperation, latching onto the redheaded girl's arm and dragging her off to continue the search.

After the despicable duo of Babs and Elmyra were gone, the locker door slowly eased open. Panting in relief at his narrow escape, Calamity collapsed back against the wall between the line of lockers and the door to one of the teacher's offices.

A hand reached out and yanked the small grey coyote into the office.

"Montana Max's been slippin' lately ya know without them fancy-smancy doodads o' yourn." Yosemite Sam tried to get Calamity back into villainy. But especially ever since Little Beeper pointed out how, as the non-instigator, the genius' inventions worked better, the little coyote had given serious consideration to really giving it up.

[ Monty's RICH. ]

[Let _him_ buy from Acme.]

"Aw, come on, you know that Acme products ain't no good." Yosemite practically snarled. He'd never lost a villain before, but Calamity just wasn't responding to his cajoling. "That stuff's trash. At least your inventions stand a halfway chance of working."

Yes, Calamity agreed. Acme products were trash and his own inventions that failed usually had Acme products as main components. But unfortunately, Acme was the only source for some of the more experimental components that he used and the rest he couldn't afford anywhere else. Calamity's love for inventing bordered on an involuntary compulsion. It was driving enough for him that he was even willing to hire out for the money to support his obsession. It was why the grey coyote worked for Montana Max and Elmyra in the first place.

The professor of villainy tried a different tact as the young coyote still seemed resistant to his cajoling. "You wouldn't have ta be a lackey or minion ya know. You'd make a darned good 'Mad Scientist.'"

[Well, I might be a bit annoyed,]

[but I'm not really all that mad.]

Calamity flipped his sign around, showing the back.

[ At least not most of the time. ]

Sam slapped a hand to his face and ran it down his whiskers, elongating his face at the same time. It popped back into shape. "Uhhh, how about 'Evil Scientist' then?"

[ Tempting, . . . ]

[But, how about]

[ NO! ]

"Now see here, ya mangy, flee bitten varmint, I'm crackin' down on ya! From now on, I'm doubling yer villain assignments an' you're going to have ta get a 96% or higher on _all_ yer work to get an A." Having lost all patience with the obstinate canid, The bandit toon resorted to plain, good old fashioned threats. If he couldn't get Calamity through reasoning, he'd get the genius through his homework and grades! Yosemite Sam thrust Calamity out of his office. The vice principal yelled after the prairie wolf. "An' don't you forget it!"

Standing just outside the vice principal's office, Buster cringed at the volume of Yosemite's holler. The poor guy. With opposition like that, no wonder Cal played the villain so often.

Calamity staggered out of the vice principal's office, his ears still ringing from Yosemite's 'little chat.' Buster snagged the coyote's arm and pulled him into the boys room. First his own mentor yesterday, then Yosemite Sam, and now Buster Bunny. Just how many 'chats' was he in for over this whole debacle, anyway? He hadn't even WANTED to accept Babs' challenge!

"Hey, Cal! I just thought we could discuss some, . . . uh . . . _football_ strategy, ya know?" Even though it so-o-o wasn't football season anymore, Buster figured that as the team captain, it was a good excuse to pull Calamity aside. He could quickly turn the talk to morals and maybe encourage the coyote to go straight. "Nothing wrong with getting a good head start on the next season. Heh, heh."

Calamity paused, looking at his team captain for a few moments in silence.

[This isn't about football, is it?]

"Well, actually . . . uh, no. It isn't," Buster admitted. "But Cal, just remember, ya don't have to get lost in your part. You can still be funny without being the bad guy. You can be however and whoever ya want to be . . . no matter what Yosemite or _anyone_ says. You can change from being a villain into being a hero, . . . or even an anti-hero if you prefer! They're cool."

[ So comedy is like energy. ]

[It can't be created or destroyed,]

[ just converted or redirected. ]

"Uh, yeah. Kinda." Buster thought of Babs and how she'd become 'redirected' in her comedic efforts. "Unfortunately."

.

A/N Guest appearance from Pinky and the Brain of "Animaniacs," trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.


	5. Chapter 5: Fight, Fight, Fight!

Tiny Toon Adventures:

"Comedy Rules"

Rated T for gratuitous cartoon villainy.

.

Disclaimer: "Tiny Toon Adventures," Tiny Toon Adventures characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.

**Fight, Fight, Fight!**

By noon the faculty had had enough and Bugs Bunny called for a lo-o-o-ng lunch break, since as principal he couldn't really justify an official half day off of school. Not that the town of Acme Acres would be all that thrilled with the Looniversity's decision, since they'd now have their streets overrun with hyperactive, prank playing student toons. But every year, the Acme Acre citizens gamely just kind of buckled down and put up with the major toon holiday. The tall, grey rabbit nibbled on his carrot before finishing off the announcement over the intercom. "An' remember, kids, everyone meet back in the auditorium at 3 o'clock for da contest results."

"Aw, come on Babsy. Call if off . . . for me." Buster was practically whining now. After his chat with Calamity, the blue star of Tiny Toons hunted up his bunny co-star. The April Fools Day war was getting completely out of hand. Babs marched on past her boyfriend too caught up in her plans of conquest to even hear his protests. "Then do it for yourself! I mean come on! You even teamed up with Elmyra Duff!"

"Don't remind me," Babs grumbled under her breath. She still had bruises from the girl toon's 'help.' At least she'd been able to ditch the yutz before falling victim to Elmyra herself. The pink bunny turned her attention back to the matter at hand. "Now where did that little hairball go?"

"I think Calamity went into the library." Hampton offered helpfully. The stout pig along with Plucky, Shirley, and Fifi came up to the two bunnies to see if they wanted to hang out together for the afternoon. The white loon and the purple skunk tried to shush up their porcine friend before he gave Babs any ideas.

"Hammy's right, Babs." Plucky was instantly by the pink bunny's side, urging her toward the school library. The little green duck had a big stake in this contest and Babs had better not wimp out on him now! "If you hurry, you can catch him there."

"Man, what a nerd! We get the afternoon off of school, and he spends it in the library!" Babs peeked in the library door to see Calamity at one of the tables pouring over some equations with the school reporter, Mary Melody. Babs slipped into the library to sneak up on the unsuspecting coyote with her mallet.

Buster was about to follow, but caught sight of Elmyra skipping down the hall in pursuit of any furry animal she could get her hands on. Buster grabbed Hampton and Fifi to help waylay the menace. Plucky followed the pink bunny into the library while Shirley levitated in behind them, more from force of habit than anything else.

"I don't know, Calamity, I just don't see how this is going to help with becoming a star." Mary Melody packed her thick geometry book into her book bag and plunked down a newspaper by the young genius. '_Early Start for April's Fools_' was the headline. The newspaper held her April Fools Day article on the front page, complete with a picture of Babs suspended upside down in Calamity's trap. With her tutoring session over, the pretty, dark complected girl tucked a strand of black hair into her pony tail and stood up. "It's really nice of you to help me in my studies, but I'm really more interested in journalism."

[Even journalists need a page count.]

[ Allow me to demonstrate . . .. ]

Calamity set aside the newspaper that Mary gave him. He reached, not for the girl's math work, but for Babs who was sneaking up behind him with an extraordinarily large mallet. In a blur of movement, the small coyote shaped-changed Babs into a fuzzy pink star.

Mary's dark brown eyes lit up with excitement. She loved charades! "Oh! Oh, okay . . . um, if I want to be a STAR . . .."

Calamity patted in the star's points and formed Babs into a perfect square.

"Then I can't be a SQUARE." Mary beamed, but then her face fell. Calamity was a whiz at calculating the precise angle of the geometric shapes he was forming. The dark complected reporter leaned against the 'bunny box' collapsing one corner of it and forming it into a short, squat triangle. "I just feel so OBTUSE."

The grey coyote straightened up the pink triangle bunny, giving her three precise, 60 degree angles. Calamity winked at Mary.

The human girl giggled at the school genius calling her aCUTE. The journalist was starting to see how math could help in her goals. Mary formed Babs into a cone. "Well, okay. I suppose you do have a point."

Calamity reformed the pink bunny back into a three cornered shape . . . this one with a right angle.

[I'm always RIGHT.]

Mary grinned, then looked at her watch. It was nearly time for the noon news broadcast. "Oh, I have to go or I'll be late."

Calamity rolled Babs into a circle and waved at the dark complected girl.

"Right." Mary Melody flashed a brilliant, white smile. "See you aROUND."

Calamity turned back to the Acme Newspaper, perusing the classified ads. If he really wanted to give up villainy, he'd have to find a legitimate way to earn money for his inventions.

A pair of bright blue eyes blinked from the circle, then Babs grumbled as she finally popped back into her normal, adorable bunny form. "Man, I really hate geometry!"

"Really, Babs," Plucky scolded. The green duck had set up quite high odds on Calamity, counting on Babs winning in a ploy to encourage people to bet on the 'dark horse' of the competition. Enough people fell for it that if Calamity actually won, it would greatly reduce his profit margin! "Helping out with others' comedy routine is all fine and dandy, but NOT WHEN MY WINNINGS ARE AT STAKE!"

"Like get crucial or some junk, Plucky!" Shirley the Loon folded her arms over her chest and floated cross-legged in the air. The psychic extended her perception to test the ambiance of the library.

"Plucky's right! I can't let this two bit player show up the Acme Looniversity Comedy Queen!" Babs produced a humongous 'pie-zooka.' The pink co-star of Tiny Toons swung the custard pie launching bazooka around toward the small coyote and let it rip!

Not even glancing up from his newspaper, Calamity held up a palm-sized disc of multicolored, concentric rings. Activating it, the young comedic genius expanded his 'pi inverter' into a rubber shield that held a marked resemblance to the Merry Melody rings and bounced all the pies back at the bunny. Careful to keep his deadpan expression, Calamity was nonetheless very pleased that his invention actually worked. Calculating the toon physics of pi for the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter for each varying ring of the expandable shield had taken a lot of work. Still, shielding not only himself and the books from the pie attack, but everyone else in the library as well, made it all worth while. Both Bookworm and Egghead Jr. breathed a very large sigh of relief. With as tiny as the inchworm and the small, big-headed chicken were, a hit by a pie would have completely wiped them out!

Riding the currents of psychic energy, Shirley slipped safely to one side. Plucky, on the other hand, didn't dodge in time and found himself as covered with the gooey, creamy mess as Babs was herself.

Three inkblot characters ran down the center of the library table where the small coyote was sitting. The middle black and white dog-like creature in a light blue pullover sweater and red cap stopped momentarily, admiring the results of the young genus' invention. "Faboo!"

Calamity looked up, dug a second small disk from his body pocket and tossed it to Wakko. It was the middle Warner's conceptualization for the shield after all. He and the Warner siblings at times ran into each other . . . often literally . . . while chasing around. It was only right that he made them a shield as well. Pleased with the collaboration, Wakko ran to catch up with his sibs, the tip of his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth.

"Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!" Seeing the Merry Melody rings before her, Babs stammered, a little punch drunk from all the cream pies impacting on her. "NOT!"

Seeing Professor Foghorn attracted by the doe bunny's shout, Calamity hastily re-contracted the pi shield into a small disk. The small coyote buried his nose in his newspaper.

"I say, I say, now! This here is a library. A place of books, that is. And QUIET!!" Acting as library monitor, Professor Foghorn Leghorn came up to the disruptive bunny. The tall rooster towered over Babs and Plucky. Of course, it was kind of ironic that the loudmouth rooster was enforcing quiet. His booming voice was more disruptive than all of the Tiny Toons put together. He added as an aside, on his way back to his librarian's desk; "Cute kids, but not a lick of sense between, I say, between the pair of them!"

Quiet snickers filled the library. Calamity was used to people laughing at him; but for once, he wasn't the butt of the joke. Babs, on the other hand was not. The pink doe bunny was used to people laughing WITH her . . . not laughing AT her.

Steam began rising from Babs' ears, but before her anger could burn off the pie, Calamity circled an offer in the classifieds and pocketed it as he stood. The small grey coyote, took a long lick of the pie off of Babs, cleaning the whole one side of her face and ear. Dispensing with his usual signs, the genius leaned in to whisper in Babs' ear; whispering required no vocals.

"Of all the nerve!" Babs yelled. How dare the mangy coyote tell her to '_Clean up, Babsy! I'm picking you up in 20 minutes for the movie matinée_?' "If you think for one minute that I'm going to the movies with you, buster, then you have another think coming!"

A collective gasp sounded in the Looniversity library. Bit players and stars alike were all astounded at the coyote's audacity.

Calamity continued whispering in Babs' ear.

"This is mondo bizarre-o. Like I'm totally not sensing any bad vibes from Calamity." Shirley the Loon settled from her meditative position to stand beside her pink friend. The white water fowl turned up her beak at the small green mallard still covered in custard cream pies. "And you like go take a shower, or some junk, Plucky. You're even slimier now than you usually are."

"No bad vibes, huh?" A cunning gleam entered Babs' bright blue eyes. The pink co-star of Tiny Toons took Shirley's comment on the humor emanating from the small coyote as a prompt for her not to take Calamity's threat of '_Suit yourself, I shall just gather up your siblings and take them someplace dark and secluded instead_,' seriously. "Hah! I'm calling your bluff, Fuzz-bub!!!"

"Alright, now that's, I say, that's enough!" Professor Foghorn snagged up Babs by her long pink ears and booted her out of the library. He didn't know what was going on between the students, but the pink bunny was the only one making noise.

Shirley followed Bab's flightpath with her eyes, but didn't follow her friend. She hadn't meant to encourage Babs with her psychic profile of the coyote genius. Babs was like totally racking up major bad karma as it was. It was just that her comment had the opposite effect on the doe bunny than what she intended. The white loon grabbed Plucky to go toss him in the duck pond to clean off.

Babs flew into the hall to crash land on a blue bunny in a red pullover sweater. "Oh, Hi Buster. What's up?"

"Not me, that's for sure." Buster just returned from detouring Elmyra to the far side of Acme Acres only to be flattened by a furry pink bunny bomb. The blue bunny picked himself up off the floor.

"Hah! Can you believe how lame that Calamity Coyote is?" Laughing, Babs doubled over in merriment. "He tried to ask me out on a date by threatening my brothers and sisters! I mean, how much more of a nerdy villain can you get?!?"

"Well, . . . I don't know. Cal _is_ a predator. And predators tended to be very possessive and territorial," Buster commented. The normally happy-go-lucky bunny suddenly felt a wave of anxiety for his pink co-star. "You shouldn't have kissed him, Babs. It sounds to me like he's claiming you."

"I DIDN'T _KISS_ CALAMITY!!!" Babs slapped Buster upside the head. Then the pink bunny pouted. "Besides, it was all an act. I only _almost_ kissed him."

"Same difference," Buster muttered sullenly. The blue bunny just hoped that Calamity was playing at it as well . . . and that his claim wasn't real. Or that if the coyote was playing for keeps that the predator would relinquish his claim back to him. Babs was supposed to be _his_ girlfriend!

"Hey, come on, slow poke!" Babs forced a return to her normal happy demeanor and hopped out of the Looniversity. "We're wasting a perfectly good half day off of school."

Buster shrugged and followed after his girlfriend. It soon became obvious to the blue and white bunny that something was bothering Babs, despite her attempts to hide it. He tried various jokes, gags, and tomfoolery, but the pink bunny didn't even rise to the bait when he pulled out his super soaker water gun and drenched her. Some time later, Buster pushed down the cuff of his white comedy glove and checked his watch. 2:10pm. At this rate, no one was going to be winning the April Fools Day contest. Perhaps it was just as well. It was time to call it quits. The two bunnies turned their steps towards Babs' home. As they approached the burrow, Buster stopped and looked Babs. Her eyes weren't sparkling as they usually did. "Don't worry, Babs. I'm sure everything is fine."

"Of course everything's fine. What are you talking about, Buster?" Babs forced levity into her voice to cover her worry. She hopped down her rabbit hole into the family room. "Hey, everyone! Mom, your darling, funny, talented daughter is home!"

In the silence that followed, a cricket chirped.

"Where is everyone?" Searching frantically, Babs turned the place upside down looking for her missing family. She tore through the rooms and ripped things out of the closets. She even looked under the cushions of the couch and pulled the houseplants from their pots to to look inside.

Buster helped her search. He was a little worried himself. What was he going to do about Cal if the coyote _had_ abducted Babs' sibs? He'd been trying to help the little predator turn over a new leaf. But this was unacceptable behavior . . . even for a villain. He did a spin change into his Sherlock Holmes costume. Using the over-sized magnifying lens, he spied a newspaper on the telephone stand. Buster picked up the newspaper and held it out for the pink bunny to see. "Uh, Babs?"

"Oh, Buster! They're gone. GONE! What am I going to do-o-o-o-o-o!" Babs ears were drooped down to the sides of her head and she sunk to the floor in melodramatic despair.

"Babs, . . ." Buster tried again.

"Here you go, young man. Thank you so much for your help this afternoon." Babs' mother's voice could be heard up top outside the rabbit hole. "I'll be sure to keep your number and call if I ever need a babysitter again."

Babs clung to her mother in relief the instant she hopped into the burrow with her multitude of brothers and sisters in tow. She wailed in hysterics. "Oh, Mom, I was so worried! Don't ever leave like that again!"

"Oh for goodness sake, Babs darling, you are such a drama queen. I've been barely gone an hour and a half." Mrs. Bunny pried her daughter off of her leg and sat down to rock the baby. Then she smiled. The maternal rabbit thoroughly approved of her daughter's choice of friends. Friends like that would definitely have a good influence on her little Babsy. "Your friend is very nice."

"Who?" Thinking that her mom must mean Hampton, Babs relaxed. So had the little pink porker been babysitting for her mom?

"Oh, you know, that quiet good mannered little coyote pup. He's so polite. He never interrupted, not even once."

"He's a silent toon, Mom. Calamity can't interrupt!" Babs claimed, not at all amused that her rival of the day had made such a good impression on her mother.

"Yea!" Several of her younger siblings popped into the burrow after telling their babysitter goodbye. Several voices chimed in a babble of excited explanations. "We went to the movies, and we saw 'Wakko's Wish,' which was just the greatest, and he bought us popcorn and when we accidentally spilled it, he even bought us some more, and . . .."

"BABS!" Buster yelled, still trying to get her attention.

Babs snatched the newspaper that Buster was waving in her face. There in the want ads was her mother's babysitting job offer that Calamity had circled. She crumbled it up and threw it away. "That little sneak! He knew that I would misinterpret what he said about taking my siblings to a dark place!"

"He got you, he got you!" Mortimer, one of Babs' younger brothers, hopped excitedly around his big sister, chanting in a sing-song manner. "April Fools! April Fools! He got you!"

"ENOUGH!" Babs remembered Montana Max's whispered cajoling when she enlisted Elmyra. That coyote _was_ playing them all for fools! "That does it! This contest is going to the Max!"

"But, Babsy . . .." Buster's protest died off as the pink lagomorph pushed past him.

"And NO ONE is standing in my way!"

.

A/N Guest appearance from Yakko, Wakko, and Dot of "Animaniacs," trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.


	6. Chapter 6: Win the Battle, Lose the War

Tiny Toon Adventures:

"Comedy Rules"

Rated T for gratuitous cartoon villainy.

.

Disclaimer: "Tiny Toon Adventures," Tiny Toon Adventures characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.

**Win the battle, Lose the War**

Persistent to the end, Calamity was hard at work adjusting the trajectory of the playground swing. With his babysitting money, the little grey coyote had purchased the new, improved Acme Little Big Bang. He just couldn't resist. Calamity knew it was probably folly to trust in Acme, but hope sprung eternal that just maybe this explosive would actually work as advertised. Soon, when Little Beeper stopped to look in the mirror that the little grey coyote had set by the slide, the swing would release, swooping down and running a match that was taped to it against a strip of sandpaper, lighting it. At the low point of the swing's trajectory, the lit match would light the firework, which would explode in the roadrunner's face, allowing Calamity the time he needed to slip down the slide and capture his prey!

Calamity heard a 'beep, beep!' and hastily climbed the slide's ladder. When he peeked over the side of the slide, he saw not his nemesis, but a small child on a tricycle beeping the bulb style horn attached to the handlebars. In a panic, the young genius launched himself down the slide. Even though the small grey coyote was manic about hunting his prey, he never involved innocent bystanders in his efforts . . . even at the expense of falling victim to his own traps. Calamity grabbed the . . ..

KABOOM!

The firework exploded in a shower of brightly colored sparks. The small child on the tricycle laughed delightedly and clapped at the pyrotechnic display. Staggering from the explosion, Calamity puffed out a ring of smoke that he'd accidentally inhaled. Yep. The Acme Little Big Bang worked just fine, . . . unfortunately.

Seeing no sign of the pink bunny that had been plaguing them lately, Little Beeper zipped up behind his chase partner and beeped him. Delighted at the pratfall, the red and orange roadrunner pointed, laughing at the coyote who'd just impacted with the underside of the slide hard enough to leave a whole body impression in it. Finally! it was just their comedy duo again!

Furrball and Sweetie Pie paused in their own chase. Furrball winced at Calamity's calamity, but the pink tweety bird laughed raucously. A huge rumbling shook the air and Sweetie Pie flew squawking into the air.

Over a slight hill in the park, a yellow steamroller with a pink bunny in the driver's seat rolled into view. The piece of heavy equipment had Montana Max's portrait on the side. It had cost Babs several months' allowance to rent the thing from the spoiled rich boy, but it was worth it to retain her title of Comedy Queen in this year's April Fools contest! Spying her competitor, Babs threw the steamroller into high gear, plowing over anything and anyone in her way.

"Wait, Babs, no!" Buster ran after the steamroller, still trying to talk sense into his co-star. But when he saw the pink bunny willing to run down even her friends in order to get her adversary, the blue bunny made a mad dash toward Fifi and Shirley. When Plucky, as the 'Toxic Revenger,' tangled with Montana Max and the spoiled rich boy's hole factory, he'd given Buster a hole as proof of his heroic deed. The blue bunny whipped out the hole in his pocket and slid it under the two girls. The loon and skunk-ette dropped into the instant hole in the ground just as the steamroller rumbled overhead.

Plucky wasn't so lucky. "The things I go through to make a buck, . . ." the little green duck slurred as he popped out an arm and pealed himself up off the pavement. With a yowl, Furrball frantically scrabbled to get out of Babs' way, but both he and Little Beeper also got flattened.

"Ooops! Sorry!" Babs yelled. It was okay. They were her friends and would forgive her.

Still recovering from springing his own trap and Beeper's prank, Calamity's vision cleared just in time to get run down by a steamroller. That did it! Snarling, Calamity popped himself back into shape, ready to pull out all the stops. A weak 'beep' caught his ear.

Calamity rushed over to his comedic chase partner and, much as Big Bad had done for him the previous night, the coyote picked up an edge of the roadrunner 'mat' and snapped Little Beeper back into shape. After checking over the roadrunner to ensure that he was okay, Calamity helped Furrball up as well. Both he and Furrball were more or less used to taking the brunt of their comedic ventures, but not Beeper. The small coyote's ears and tail drooped. This was all his fault! It was he who had 'declared war' by slamming shut his locker door and capturing Babs in his trap yesterday. None of this would have happened if he had just let the popular pink bunny win.

[ I'm sorry, guys. ]

[I'll concede the contest.]

Beeper snatched Calamity's sign from him and spun it around to use the back.

[Don't you DARE!]

The little red and orange roadrunner smacked Calamity with his own sign. The little coyote stumbled a few paces as tiny roadrunners and stars circled his head.

"Mmroow, mrrnow!" Furrball waved his scrawny, blue arms emphatically in the air. Calamity better NOT wuss out on them now! This was the closest that any silent toon had come to winning the Acme Loo April Fools Day contest . . . EVER!

"Like that is so totally odd!" Shirley the Loon psychically levitated herself out of Buster's hole in the ground as Fifi's purple little paws gripped the edge and the skunk-ette pulled herself up. "It's way unusual for two toons to be able to use the same sign. It like totally shows their bond together as comedic partners or some junk."

Calamity's long coyote ears twitched and he looked up sharply. Assuming that Shirley and Fifi had come to laugh at him as they often did when Babs pulled a prank on him, the little grey coyote clenched his fists and stalked towards the loon and skunk-ette. Babs was currently out of reach, but not her cronies! Since the popular 'comedy queen' upped-the-ante and went after _his_ friends, Calamity felt completely justified in going after _hers_.

[Guilty by Association!]

"Ooh, Monsieur Calamity does not look cute when he eez angry, . . ." Fifi backed away from the advancing canid predator. ". . . he looks scary, non?"

"Like for sure," Shirley agreed, backing up with her friend. The psychic loon rarely felt anyone go instantly from genuine concern to stark fury as the little coyote had.

Seeing the purple she-skunk's and the white loon's wide, fear-filled eyes, Calamity relented. Just as he couldn't let that innocent kid get caught in his trap earlier, the young coyote couldn't wreck revenge on these two now. He threw down his sign, crossing his arms across his chest and turning his back. Calamity growled at his own lack of hardheartedness. But then again, perhaps it wasn't just him slipping in his villainy. Cornering a frightened skunk was never a good idea, unless you wanted to get sprayed.

Having finally caught up with Babs and prying her out of the steamroller, Buster walked back along the path of devastation, helping up toons along the way. The two bunnies arrived on the scene. Buster shook his head. Calamity really wasn't such a bad guy; he was just mad because Babs had been pestering him and hurting his friends. Buster hated to admit it, though he would use different means, he'd have done the same. "Uh, Babsy, don't you think this has gone far enough?"

Babs looked around the ruined park. Trees were down, park benches were flattened, and everywhere toons were trying to pull themselves back together . . . literally, in a few cases. Her bright blue eyes rested on two of her best friends. Calamity showed more compassion for Fifi and Shirley than she had. The pink bunny walked up to the inventive genius who was folding up the hole and tucking it into his pocket so that no one would accidentally fall into it. Babs held out her hand. "Truce?"

The coyote checked to see that there was no joy buzzer in the leporid doe's hand. When he found none, Calamity slowly extended his own hand.

Knowing that Calamity would be suspicious of him if he commented, Monty emerged from his hidden vantage point and sidled up to Plucky Duck. "Too bad they're calling it off. I guess I'll just have to get a refund on my bet."

Startled at the prospect of losing his hard earned betting commissions, the small green duck leaped up to the pink bunny and patted her on the back. In a loud stage whisper that Plucky knew Calamity could overhear, he congratulated Babs on her 'ploy.' "Way to go Babsy! That sap of a nerd is just as gullible now as when you kissed him! What an April Fools Day joke! You have so-o-o got this competition in the bag!"

"I did not kiss Calamity!" Babs protested. "I only _almost_ kissed . . .."

Plucky shrugged. "Same difference."

A scowl set the coyote's face at the mallard's comments. Calamity withdrew his hand and whipped out a sign.

[I will call this off . . . ]

[IF you let me eat you!]

"WHAT!?!" Indignant, Babs shouted.

"Oh, my! Will you just look at the time!" Buster interrupted before the war escalated . . . again. "It's two minutes to three. We gotta get back to the Loo."

Buster Bunny reached up to grip a dangling string and pulled down a scene change.

"Face it, Calamity." Babs and Calamity suddenly found themselves in the Acme Looniversity gymnasium surrounded by their classmates. The pink bunny flicked an imaginary speck of dust off her violet skirt. "I am and always will be Comedy Queen of the Loo."

Calamity glared at the bunny and whipped up a sign.

[Anything you can do]

[ I can do better! ]

"No, you can't." Babs did a spin-change into her 'Galinda the good witch' impersonation to prove her point. She leaped gracefully into the air in her tutu and crown, and raised her star-topped fairy wand to whack Calamity over the head with it. The pink 'fairy' bunny paused in surprise to see Buster standing there where the young genius had just been.

The blue bunny swiftly unzipped his fur, and Calamity peeled out of his 'Buster' disguise. He tossed the costume aside.

[Yes, I can.]

"Come on, Babs," Plucky kibitzed. "Hit him back!"

Determination set Babs' face. The pink doe bunny produced several brightly colored water balloons, expertly juggling them, to show her comedic flair. Then she shot them one after the other at her rival, where they all impacted, drenching the coyote. "No, you can't!"

Calamity frowned a moment, considering his next move. The coyote then drew on one of his mentor's favored fields of expertise. Despite being drenched, the little genius pulled several sticks of lit dynamite from his body pockets and started juggling them as Babs had her water balloons. Several of the assembled toons ducked for cover.

Little Beeper 'beeped' a quiet warning. Calamity was showing off now, and show-offs generally fared as poorly as villains.

The young genius threw each stick of dynamite high into the air where, one by one, they detonated harmlessly above the crowd of students. A chorus of 'oohs and ahs!' sounded in the gym. Unfortunately, Little Beeper was right. Calamity missed one, accidentally holding on to the last stick of dynamite too long. It blew up in his face, leaving the little grey coyote blackened with soot. He swayed dizzily on his feet, but remained standing. Oh, well. At least now he was dry.

[Yes, I can!]

Sensing victory, Babs pulled out her 'trump card' and began singing a few lines of the Tiny Toon Adventures theme song. "We're tiny, we're toon-y, we're all a little loony! It's Tiny Toon Adventures! Come and join the fun . . . and now my song is done!" Calamity was a silent toon. There was NO way he could best her at singing! Babs smiled smugly. "NO, YOU CAN'T!"

"Whoo hooo!" Plucky cheered. This competition was in the bag! The small green mallard pulled out his betting ledger and began tallying up his anticipated winnings.

Calamity drew a deep breath and . . . plunged his hand into his body pocket. When he encountered the hole there, he tried the other one. Pulling out a small white, special effects box, the coyote carefully set it on the floor. He then fixed a bow tie to his neck and raised a conductor's baton. With a grand sweep of his arms, he tapped the special effects box open and the small grey coyote conducted the first few measures of 'The Anvil Chorus' complete with falling anvil. Unfortunately, it fell on top of the small coyote, smashing him like an accordion. With a herculean effort, Calamity pushed it off of himself.

The anvil tipped over onto Plucky, flattening the avarice duck so that only his hand and ledger showed. "It's not funny until someone is hurt!" The pressed duck slurred.

Popping back into his usual form, though slightly dizzy, Calamity bowed to the audience, deftly twirled the conductor's baton, and tucked it back into his pocket.

[YES, I CAN!]

Babs pouted. "I did NOT see that one coming, did you?"

By this time, most of the faculty had assembled in the gym as well. They stood to the side of the crowd of students watching the comedic battle. The clock on the wall, in typical Looniversity manner, bopped its minute hand between one and two minutes to three, as if it too wished to see how it all turned out.

"Feeling 'April Fool-ish?'" Mary Melody whipped out her reporter's notepad taking notes on the day's crowing event. The dark complected reporter decided now might be a good time to step in with an interview of the contestants.

"Well, you know, like they say: 'A Fool is the only self-made man,'" Shirley floated cross-legged in the air. Babs was one of her best friends, but the psychic loon felt that the pink bunny had taken comedic license too far this time. From beginning to end, she never did get bad vibes from the little coyote. "Or rabbit as the case may be."

"Hey, I resemble that remark!" Babs exclaimed.

"I think you mean 'resent that remark.'" Hampton corrected helpfully.

"Oh, I don't know, Babs seems to 'resemble' a fool pretty well to me." Despite his better judgment, Buster couldn't resist the quip.

"Ha, ha. Tis to laugh." Babs folded her arms across her chest, feeling rather picked on. "Just whose side are you on anyway?"

"Umm, that's a trick question, isn't it, Babsy?" Buster hedged, trying to find a way to gracefully extract himself from the 'foolish' conversation.

Babs scowled at her friends. "Oh, bite me!"

[As you wish.]

Taking advantage of the lagomorph's distraction, Calamity slipped in close. Always a quick study, the young genius immediately dropped into the variation of the wolf-whistle extreme wild-take that he'd picked up from the Big Bad Wolf the night before. The 'Hungry Like the Wolf' take was Big Bad's own modification and couldn't be learned from any book. The grey coyote snapped up Babs, swallowing the bunny down in one gulp. One at a time, Calamity licked off the four fingers of one hand. Then he tapped his fist twice against his distended belly, letting out a belch.


	7. Chapter 7: Kiss and Make Up

Tiny Toon Adventures:

"Comedy Rules"

Rated T for gratuitous cartoon villainy.

Disclaimer: "Tiny Toon Adventures," Tiny Toon Adventures characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.

**Kiss and Make Up**

With a squawk of alarm, Sweetie Pie flew out of the gymnasium as fast as her pink little canary wings would carry her. First, to find the janitor . . . just in case that when Calamity spat out Babs again there was drool to mop up. Next she flew to find the school nurse. The loudmouth canary hesitated outside the school's sick room. After all, Elmyra Duff often assisted Granny as school nurse's aide. The simple threat of Elmyra was enough to make most toons go to class even if they were sick as a dog. Of course, since many of the Looniversity students were canines, no matter now sick they were, they were sick as dogs. But if any one of the toonsters was is in danger of being incarcerated in the sick room today, it was Babs and not herself. Screwing up her courage, the tiny bird flew in. The pink fowl flew up to the little old lady with white hair done up in a tight bun, blue old fashioned dress, and old style button-up black dress boots. Sweetie Pie grabbed Granny's lace collar with her beak and tugged the elderly lady toon to the gym.

Inside the little coyote, only Babs' eyes were visible. It was really dark inside the small predator's belly. The pink bunny lit a match, but in an uncharacteristic display of wisdom, refrained from lighting a stick of dynamite in the enclosed space. The coyote interacted with explosives on a daily basis and she had no desire to be roasted rabbit for the carnivore. If anything, he'd just think it a case of heartburn. Babs ran a finger up the xylophone ribs and encountered a slice of hot chili pepper pizza such as Little Beeper often delivered. It seemed that was the only kind of pizza that the little fowl ever brought home. When Calamity burped, the space got even smaller. Curled up in a little ball, the doe bunny wondered; 'How in the world did I fit inside the coyote who certainly isn't any bigger than I am?!?'

Unknown to the alley cat, Furrball repeated the same question to his canid friend. The blue furred felid waved his arms emphatically in the air as he talked. "Groww mroww mryeah!?"

Smirking in self-satisfaction, Calamity held up a sign.

[ I formed a ]

[dimensionally transcendental]

[ pocket in my stomach. ]

Furrball nodded knowingly at the ensuing, overcomplicated explanation that left most of the student body glassy-eyed with incomprehension. Not only did the canid genius have to alter his own anatomy to take up and hold such a large prey, but also Calamity had to adjust the prey's size ratio while held within. The blue alley cat stared in awe at the small coyote. Dang, he really needed to quit sleeping through cartoon physics! "Mrrouww!"

Little Beeper issued a single, nervous beep at the two predators' exchange and edged a slight distance away. If he'd felt at all perturbed about Calamity chasing the pink bunny instead of him today, he didn't now! Sweetie Pie winged in with the school nurse in tow, and perched on the little roadrunner's back.

Cough. Cough. Hack!! How did felines do it? Hacking up Babs was tougher than he thought it would be. As Calamity started coughing, he held up a sigh.

[Hairball.]

"Oh my!" Granny gasped in horror, and readjusted her wireframe glasses so that she could see better. While everyone else was still stunned by the sudden turn of events, Granny knew just what to do. She immediately snatched up the young coyote, inverted him over her arm and pounded his backside as she had so many times for Tweety and Sylvester in the old days. "Out! Out, spit her out!"

"Way ta go Grwanny!" While Professor Tweety and his own young pupil, Sweetie Pie, cheered her on, Sylvester cringed in remembrance of the many times that Granny had performed the same procedure, the 'Granny Maneuver,' on him whenever he got a hold of Tweety.

Upon regurgitation Babs sat, her legs spraddled, on the floor where Cal spat her out, swaying slightly, once again punch drunk from her ordeal. Granny dropped Calamity on his tail, à la Sylvester, and hovered in concern over the poor little bunny rabbit.

Sylvester steadied the small grey coyote after his release from Granny's grip. The large, black and white tomcat sprayed spittle when he talked. "Jussst be glad she didn't ussse her umbrella on ya, kid."

Calamity just nodded, ruefully rubbing his tail.

"Oooh! You are a very bad little coyote, Calamity!" The sweet, little old lady proceeded to scold Calamity as she always did Sylvester; whereupon the school genius crouched down under the verbal assault with big, sad, puppy dog eyes and tentatively thumped his tail on the floor. Granny softened.

"Heh, heh, heh." Bouncing slightly as she laughed, Granny patted Calamity on the head. "Oh all right, all right, I forgive you."

The toonsters stared, wondering where their classmate learned to do that. Several of the original Looneys snickered. It was the canine version of 'poor pussy' that Sylvester used to pull with Granny; and was probably the only thing that saved the little rascal from Granny's full ire . . . as well as her umbrella.

"Now," Granny continued sternly. "Kiss the nice little bunny and make up."

As expected of him, Calamity sulked. Then he made as if to obey, but opened his mouth wide to swallow Babs again. The small coyote sneaked a peek up at Granny. The elderly toon stood over him, tapping her foot. Calamity closed his mouth; and with a big, cheesy grin up at Granny, he patted Babs on the head.

At Granny's renewed insistence that they kiss and make up, Calamity abruptly swept Babs up in his arms and dipped her. The coyote's breath tickled her whiskers. Babs fell limp in Calamity's arms, half afraid that the carnivore bending over her would give her the kiss that Granny insisted upon, . . . and half afraid that he wouldn't.

"Oooo la la!" Fifi exclaimed. The French skunk-ette couldn't help but feel a little jealous of Babs. Nearby, Hampton also felt a twinge of jealousy, but for slightly different reasons.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Buster snapped. The Looniversity class president frowned, tapping Calamity firmly on the shoulder. "That's MY girl!"

Looking sheepish, Calamity straightened and instantly dropped the pink bunny to 'thunk' onto the floor.

[ Oops. Sorry. ]

[Got carried away.]

"Yeah well, don't let it happen again." Buster was actively helping to reform Calamity. And it looked like some of that reform would have to extend to certain social interactions as well. He moved over to consult with his mentor, Bugs.

"So, Calamity," Fifi sashayed over to the little grey coyote, "where eever did vous learn to kees like zat?"

Calamity's cheek fur glowed a rosy color as he whipped out a large text book. 'Advanced Studies in Chemistry' was printed on its cover. In reality, he learned a great deal of it from Fifi herself whenever she mistook him for a skunk. But it wouldn't be politic to say so.

"Mmmm! I could use a chemistry tutor." Fifi smiled softly to herself, wondering about arranging another stripe down Calamity's back.

"Who cares where he learned to kiss," Plucky interrupted, flinging his arms in the air for emphasis. "What I'd like to know is how'd he learn to swallow? . . . And where can we get a muzzle? You never know when a wild animal will turn on you!"

A looming shadow fell over the small grey coyote. Calamity looked up when he realized that he was standing in the shadow of his mentor, Wile E. Coyote. The Dean of Hard Knocks had come up behind Calamity, tapping the fingers of one hand on the opposite arm while waiting for his young protégé to notice him. Calamity offered the older coyote a tentative smile.

Wile snatched up the small coyote by the scruff of his neck. The little scamp had to learn the 'Hungry Like the Wolf' take from somebody. The toonsters only rarely heard his cultured voice, but since Bugs Bunny was also present, the older, brown coyote was able to speak aloud. "You have been slumming with Big Bad, haven't you?"

Calamity's ears and tail drooped and he withdrew into himself, not daring to meet his mentor's hard, yellow eyes. He heard the near inaudible swish of a sign being pulled out and forced his eyes up to see what Professor Wile E. said. To not do so would be unpardonably rude for a silent toon.

[ . . . _?_ . . . ]

The Dean of Hard Knocks liked using the hand held signs, even when in Bugs Bunny's presence. The signs dictated that Calamity look at him while he was 'talking.' Once, when the Acme group was touring the highlands, Byron Bassett swallowed Babs whole . . . with a sizable bulge in his brown, baggy hide where the bunny pooched out his belly. The brown coyote supposed that Calamity could have learned the trick from the basset hound, or maybe even from the Wolverine. But the little grey coyote's trick-take looked suspiciously like a 'Big Bad Wolf Snap' rather than a 'Devil Dog Chomp.' Wile E. Coyote dropped Calamity back to the floor, awaiting his answer.

Even though his mentor wasn't speaking aloud, Professor Wile's nonverbal communication was positively shouting! Practically against his will, Calamity gave a weak nod. He hated to even think of the detentions that he'd earn if Wile E. ever discovered that he'd actively gone out seeking the Big Bad Wolf for the method of taking prey whole.

The small grey coyote greatly admired his mentor, but the dean of the Looniversity did tend toward just a touch of academic rivalry. Once when Calamity had been falling from the tallest building in the world from a failed attempt to zap Little Beeper, Professor Wile did rather rub it in his face how much smarter he was than his pupil.

That academic rivalry extended to the slick wolf. Big Bad flaunted his formal education, while Professor Wile was largely self-taught out in the desert while chasing Roadrunner. But it was more than that. Wile E. felt that Big Bad had an unsavory influence on his young protégé. The wolf was just a sleazy character. Definitely the _wrong_ crowd. Some of the wolf's activities went beyond comedic villainy and were down right, well . . . uh, _villainous_! Wile E. glared down sternly at the little coyote.

Calamity swallowed hard. He knew they were in for a _very_ long talk during their next mentoring session. For something to do to get out from under his mentor's disapproving glare, Calamity offered a hand to help Babs up.

Seeing that Buster was otherwise occupied, the pink bunny accepted the little coyote's hand. As he had before in the library, Calamity whispered in one of her slender, pink ears.

"Don't EVER call me Barbara Ann!" Babs yelled, blowing the grey coyote's ears back. Some genius. His smug claim of '_I win, Barbara Ann_' only made her mad. The irate pink bunny smashed Calamity flat with a mallet, knocking him unconscious. "And no, you did NOT just win!"

The clock struck three.

Gogo Dodo sprang out of the clock on his cuckoo clock springboard and announced the end of the April Fools Day contest. The small, pastel green and blue dodo bird hopped down and strode over to the assembled Looney Tunes to tally up the final scores of the contest.

Monty bent over his henchman and pealed back an eyelid. The word 'tilt' was written across the coyote's eyes. Calamity came to a few moments later to find Montana Max slapping his face and Yosemite Sam glaring down at him.

"Ya still have ta finish the villain courses. I ain't lettin' ya drop ma classes, ya no good, flee bitten, mangy prairie wolf." The Looniversity vice principal spend most of the day monitoring the young coyote's progress with Bugs and Wile. That no account, young genius displayed appalling, very non-villain like behavior. The school had too few villains as it was! Calamity reached over tugging Babs Bunny over in front of Professor Yosemite, offering the popular lagomorph instead. His interest piqued, Yosemite Sam ran a hand down his red, handlebar mustaches. "Well, the pink varmint _does_ have potential . . .."

"I am NOT a villain!" Indignant, Babs stalked forward again with her mallet.

Calamity whipped out a dictionary from his body pocket and flipped it open to the 'villain' entry. He held it up for everyone to see. "Villain /ˈvɪlən/. The comedic dupe engaged in failed plots and gratuitous cartoon violence for selfish ends who never bests the hero. See: Babs Bunny." It showed a picture of Babs with a terrible grimace on her face, her fur red and frazzled, and wielding a huge mallet. It looked exactly like she did right now.

"Whoa, like Calamity!" Shirley dropped from her floating lotus position to her feet in surprise. Calamity Coyote not only wrote signs, but re-wrote books as well? "That like, takes mondo brain power and focus, or some junk, to pull that off."

Calamity smiled shyly at the praise and held up a sign.

[Its a silent toon thing.]

Despite his earlier ire at Calamity, Wile E. was inordinately pleased with his protégé. He and Yosemite would work out Calamity's curriculum.

"Hah! Someone's been tampering with your perception threshold, coyote! They'll never trust you. Face it. You're a villain. You're devious, cunning, and wily. Everyone knows it except you!" Gloating, Montana Max, threw an arm over the young coyote's shoulders. The rich preppy knew that he could pressure Calamity into remaining a villain. "You're a fool if you think that those goody two-shoes stars of Tiny Toon Adventures over there will even give you the time of day! I'm your only friend here. Now come on, what do you say? It's time you got back to work."

"Oh, how sad." Babs wondered what she would do if her friends were such a bad influence on her. But then again, Monty had been a bad influence, not only on Plucky but on herself as well . . . and the brown haired boy wasn't even her friend! The pink bunny couldn't help but feel sorry for Calamity. And it didn't help that Professor Yosemite was also heavily pressuring the school genius.

As Montana Max started bullying Calamity, Babs watched the small coyote hunker down, silent . . . well of course Calamity was silent, . . . but he wasn't even bothering with his signs. With friends like that . . . who needed friends!? Then Babs' eyes softened. Calamity did.

Babs saw a stubborn look entering the small predator's eyes. Would Calamity really leave his old circle of friends, even if it left him with no friends at all? Well, he would still own Little Beeper, even if it was only as his prey in their comedic chases. Buster had tried to tell her that the little grey coyote was trying to give up villainy, but she hadn't believed him. Well, there wasn't much she could do about the Vice Principle . . . especially with all of the other faculty members right there, but she could the rich spoiled brat.

The pink bunny reached in the small coyote's pocket, deftly drawing out the kid-genius' Merry Melody expanding rubber shield that he'd used against her earlier in the library. "Excuse me, Calamity, may I borrow this?"

Babs expanded the concentric rings of the pi inverter and smacked Monty with it. "Th-th-th-th-that's all Folk's!"

"Aaaaaaaaaahh!" Montana Max flew through a high window of the gym, leaving a cookie cutter hole in it, and sailed out of view.

Babs tossed the disk back to Calamity. "Thanks."

Gogo Dodo, Bugs Bunny and the rest of the faculty formed a huddle to tally up who won. The winner wasn't necessarily who got the upper hand in the comedic battle, but which contestant achieved the highest comedic quotient. Humor wasn't limited to just the protagonist in a skit. A skilled villain could be just as funny as any hero. Every once in a while one or another of the judges would poke their head up from the heated discussion to look at the contestants. Both Calamity and Babs had filled the criteria of the contest before 3 o'clock.

Calamity sneaked a peak at the pink bunny who had just saved him from Monty. Then he cocked his head in an imploring puppy-dog expression of question at the assembled professors, but the oldsters didn't seem to understand. The small coyote snagged Furrball. Both silent toons wore cool sunglasses and neckties. Swaggering up in true 'cool toon' style, Calamity and Furrball rolled up their ties under their chins. Calamity counted down with his fingers. Three, Two, One . . .. Both the grey coyote and the blue alley cat released their ties and they unrolled.

Bugs and the other Looney teachers stared uncomprehending at the strange display, but Gogo laughed in his high, loony voice at the 'tie race.' The dodo started soft-shoeing a victory dance, and shouted: "Its a _tie_! Doh-dodio, doh-dodio, doh-dodio doh!"

Furrball and Calamity exchanged high 'fours' and held up a sign.

[ Oh, yeah! ]

[Comedy Rules!]

Removing his shades and smiling smugly, Calamity didn't watch where he was going. He ran into Bugs' legs. The little coyote shrank back from the principal of the Looniversity. As a villain, he'd seen that look often enough to know that he was about to be called to the office, though that was usually due to failed traps or experiments that went critical . . . or when Monty turned him in out of spite. His tail and ears tucked down, Calamity wondered what he'd done this time. Perhaps being a 'good guy' was too complicated for the genius.

"Excuse us, folks. We'll just be a minute." The tall, grey rabbit reached off screen to pull Calamity and himself into his office. As school dean, Wyle E. Coyote tried to intervene for his protégé, but Bugs pulled rank.

Once the principal's office was securely around them, Bugs pulled out a silent toon conversation sign. He didn't do it often, but the Looney Tune star did know how.

[Let's Talk.]

Confusion clouded Calamity's face at the principal's choice of conversation modes. The tall grey bunny offered an explanation.

[Too many ears in this field of corn.]

[ If ya catch my drift. ]

Calamity looked behind him at the office door, which now resembled stalks of corn. There were pink and blue rabbit ears where the ears of corn should be. The young coyote nodded his understanding.

With that settled, Principal Bugs asked the young coyote why he called for a tie. Calamity explained that they had enough villains in this school that they really didn't need a schism forming. The coyote wasn't the only one at a crossroads and an ongoing vendetta just might completely push Babs from her hero's role. The pink bunny co-star of Tiny Toons wasn't really _bad_ as such, it was simply that she was very competitive.

[We just got a bit out of hand.]

"I'll say." Bugs snorted. Then the Looney Tunes star dug out a small business card from his desk and handed it to the young coyote. "Look, kid, it's up ta you whether ya remain a villain or not. But if ya do want ta go straight, dese guys can help ya."

When they rejoin the assembly in the gym, Bugs officially announced the April Fools Day contest as a tie between Babs and Calamity.

"A tie?!" Plucky exclaimed in disbelief. All bets were off? He'd have to return all the money he collected! Then a cunning gleam entered the avarice mallard's eyes. He hastily flipped through his betting ledger to check the numbers. "Wait! If it is a tie, that means that _neither_ Babs _nor_ Calamity won! No one can come collecting their winnings! I get to keep it all!!!"

Nearly underfoot, the Brain slapped a hand to his over-sized head. The small, white lab mouse could not believe that even the attempt at gaining the young coyote's services in taking over the world had failed. "The universe must hate me."

"Poit! Oh, I just knew that Calamity and Babs would work it out. Narf!" Oblivious to his stout partner's distress, Pinky leaped about excitedly, clapping his little pink hands. The lanky mouse grabbed Brain and tugged them both over to the green duck. Pinky knocked on the towering duck's webbed foot, holding up his betting stub to collect their winnings.

"What!? . . . NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Upset to tears, Plucky checked the betting stub against his ledger . . . then he double and triple checked it. He'd forgotten about the rodent's absurd bet. When Pinky had placed the bet, the lanky lab mouse just couldn't decide who should win; he didn't want either of the kids to be disappointed, so he had bet that it would be a tie. Plucky had taken the bet, with incredible odds against it happening, assuming that it was just money in the bag! He never suspected that the lab mouse could actually win! That . . . that _rat_! Pinky winning the pot completely wiped out Plucky's profit margin! With a death-grip hug, the green little duck kissed his money goodbye, then reluctantly handed it over the the waiting mice. "Whaaaa! All my lovely money!"

"Yes!" Delighted, the Brain strutted over to the grey coyote. Calamity bent down to hear what the mouse proposed. The stout, big-headed mouse straight out bought the blueprints (though not the inventive rights) for Calamity's Beep Warp XL1000 . . . the localized time warp devise that had prompted the bet in the first place . . . and handed over the rest of the winnings as a retainer. Now that the young coyote's inventions were working better than Acme merchandise, the big headed mouse deemed it a wise investment. Pleased that for once something went according to plan, Brain quickly left for the Acme lab. "Come, Pinky. We must prepare for tonight."

Following after his friend, Pinky scratched his nominal cranium. "Why, Brain, what are we doing tonight?"

"Try and, . . ." the Brain's face fell and his ears drooped. "Ah, what's the use? Just come on!"

Dollar signs rolled up into the young coyote's eyes as he hefted the bag that Brain gave him. That was a lot of money!

"Cal," Buster scolded the kid-genius as he tucked the bag away. "Hiring out to a megalomaniac trying to take over the world is _not_ very heroic behavior."

[It's better behavior than Plucky's]

[ and he's considered a good guy. ]

Calamity pointed out. Besides it's April Fools Day and everything goes. At least with the would-be tyrant's retainer, he didn't have to hire out to Montana Max or Elmyra Duff again.

Buster dropped his head into his hands, shaking it. With help like Plucky's, it was going to be a long, hard row to hoe with Calamity to get the young coyote onto the hero's path.

As the Acme Looniversity students began to disperse and go home, Calamity cocked his head. It had been a vicious comedic battle. Left as things were, a rift could well develop in the student body even with the announcement of a tie. Then he remembered Minerva Mink and Wilford B. Wolf's advice on making up with Babs afterwards. Not a kiss, certainly. Calamity glanced at Buster. He did NOT need to tangle with a jealous boyfriend, especially as the blue bunny had been one of the very few toonsters to actively try and help him lately. But perhaps something else.

[ Hey, Babs, how about ]

[a carrot double deluxe surprise sundae]

[ at Le Trendy Deserterie? ]

Tempted as she was, Babs frowned. She was willing to help the coyote get out from under Monty's thumb, but she wasn't sure that she should accept his peace offering. Predators _did_ tend to be very possessive and territorial. Besides, the popular pink bunny hadn't yet decided whether to allow Calamity to bribe away her anger at making a fool of her in front of the whole student body.

[And Carrot Cake!]

Calamity tauntingly added. Little Beeper exchanged knowing smirks with Furrball. The small coyote sure knew how to pick the right bait for his quarry! Premium bird seed for him, and for the bunny . . . delectable carrot cake!

Babs melted on the spot. How could she resist? Then Calamity held up another sign, inviting the rest of the toonster gang as well. He did the math. He could afford it with his winnings and still have enough for his inventions.

[Come on, everyone. My treat!]

As the gang got going, Calamity held up another sign. The young genius had improved his miniature rocket boosters on his specially modified football and was anxious to try it out.

[Wanna play ball?]

"Only if you're the ball," Babs said, remembering Mary Melody's geometry lesson in the library.

Calamity's hackles raised at the pink doe bunny. He mistrusted the gleam in the bunny's eyes and figured that Babs wanted to 'return the favor.' The small coyote growled.

"Knock it off, you guys!" Buster could not believe that even after the two made up, they were still feuding.

"Sorry, relapse." [Sorry, relapse.] Both Babs and Calamity responded simultaneously with endearing smiles.

Calamity pulled out the business card that Bugs had given him in the principal's office. Maybe he should take Babs with him to the weekly meetings of Villains Anonymous, the support group for recovering bad guys.

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**END**

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A/N Guest appearance from Pinky and the Brain of "Animaniacs," trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.


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